Subjectively Terrible Things Are Not About Me
Sometimes subjectively terrible things just happen. They are not terrible to a sea sponge on the ocean floor 3000 miles away. They are not terrible to a kid milking cows in Germany. They may not be terrible even for you, although we are connected. They are subjectively terrible for me relative to my present circumstances.
Subjectively terrible things are not the will of a god or karmic retribution for the debt of torturing my little brother in childhood. Sometimes subjectively terrible things just happen.
This has been one of my hardest lessons in life so far, to let go enough to stop attempting control over every awful thing, to stop weaving convenient narratives that make it all about me, however meaningful that may feel. Even as my life has at times fallen apart, the terrible things have never been about me: not my cancer, not my social failures, not the deaths of friends.
I am neither a less nor more terrible person because the universe did not tailor its activities according to a forecast of my possible future subjective experience.
Sometimes subjectively terrible things just happen, and I am left to handle my experience of the effects of a universe in motion. It is neither punishment nor reward. It is not about me. So, what is left for me to do but take a deep breath, love those I can love, and stay in motion, too?