Questions Arising as I Learn the Difference Between the Lens of Constant, Electric Anxiety and the Simple Presence of Being Alive
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What was today? I worked, I had a pretty great meeting with a friend and client, and I beat back waves of email, but where did it go? I barely remember it. I kissed Aidan at the door this morning. I made lunch. I wrote a poem. It just moved past and through my life in this way that barely touched me. Was I here? I appeared active, my to-do list has several boxes checked off, but was I actually passive, allowing it all to go by while I acted by rote? Am I here, or am I performing, waiting to pass through to the next thing? I have been feeling more centred, more calm, more fluid in general lately, but is this flow and ease, or am I asleep? Is this anxiety loosening its grip, or is this my spirit losing its will? What does presence and calm look like? What does it feel like? How do I know what awareness is essential and what can be let go? What am I missing? Is memory of these things valuable? Is there forgetting in stillness? How do I know if I am lost or if I am found? What if neither?