I Received an Offensive Email That Delights Me for Several Reasons, So Let Me Inflict It On You

I received an email that repeatedly uses a word largely regarded as one of the most offensive. This email delights me anyway for a number of reasons, so I wanted to write about it, but I worried that the email would offend some of you. I'm a smartie, though, so I figured out a way to give you a choice about whether you see it or not. You can stick with the censored version below, or you can click on the right arrow to reveal the uncensored version. After you click, I am blameless. Here you go:


Why this offensive email delights me so much:

  1. The email is addressed from XXXX LIPS. I assume it must be yelled loudly, because it's in all-caps, so I yelled it out loud in my living room to try it out. It felt good. You should do this, too.
  2. The email address has internal rhyme and rhythm. I will be saving "lick my shitter like an apple fritter" for only the most perfect of occasions.
  3. At first glance, this looks like a simple run-on list of the same word repeated, but the sender hit return, capitalized the first letter of each line, and kept the same number of syllables in each line, obviously turning it into a four-line poem.
  4. The repetitive, metered language imposes a rhythm to the reading once you notice it, belying a certain thoughtfulness on the part of the sender, despite the intended offence.
  5. The insistent offensiveness of the word repeated 36 times not only dulls it but makes it its own joke. When I was a kid I used to make a game of saying the same word over and over until it became a meaningless jumble of nonsense sounds. I thought "fire engine" was hilarious.
  6. I have a thing with numbers, and the number 9 is particularly great because it is 3+3+3, which strikes such a great internal balance. This email is so heavy with the number 9 that I'm nearly hysterical:
    •  The email address has 36 characters in it. If you add up 36's parts, 3+6, they equal 9.
    •  Each line of this email has 9 words in it.
    •  The word is repeated 36 times in the body of the email. Again, 3+6=9.
    •  There are 144 letters in the body of this email. If you add up 144's parts, 1+4+4, they also equal 9.
  7. I love the number 4, too, so getting so much nine-ness packed into four lines of a repeated four-letter word makes me giddy.
  8. The email ends not with a period but with a comma. It's a pause, an insinuated continuation of the rhythm. There is more left unsaid, but it does not need saying. It is already known: XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX, XXXX,
  9. I bought likeanapplefritter.com, so I literally own this email address now.