I Tried to Help My Cat Fart, and All I Got Was This Bloody Nose

I have this stupid cat, Oskar, who occasionally has intestinal issues. When he has these issues, he meows and carries on until I hold him and pat his side to make him fart, like he's some kind of hairy baby. 

Look, I know that this revelation raises all kinds of uncomfortable issues, and we can get into those later, but for now the real point of this is this: he gave me a bloody nose.

Oskar's foot connected with my face

Every other time I've helped him out like this, Oskar has let out a big fart, stopped crying, and given me slow kitty blinky love eyes in appreciation. This time, though, he hit me upside the nose, and I am left wondering, yet again, why we keep animals in the house that have 18 pointy weapons instead of fingers.

Oskar on the half wall 4

It's like living with a miniature wolverine. That I let get really close to my eyeballs. While I try to make it fart. As an act of love and compassion.

Apparently, I don't care about love making sense. Or the aesthetic statement my nose will be making in meetings tomorrow.