Help! I'm Having an iPhone Case Identity Crisis.

I have fallen into a ridiculous iPhone case buying hole. This kind of thing starts out simple enough. Your case breaks or looks worn or is just not working out for you for whatever reason, so you go scouting about on Google and Amazon and Etsy, thinking of it as a fun shopping side trip, until you start to scrutinize each case for what it says about you. Am I fun? Am I serious? Am I professional? Am I sexy? Am I ridiculous? I'm probably ridiculous.

Here are the eight cases I've narrowed it down to:

I'm kidding about 7 and 8. Although, that giant banana phone would get me noticed.

2, 3, 4, and 5 are the best looking, but the practicality of 1 and 6 has its own lure for this phone-dropper. Practicality aside, they are all actually fairly protective cases, so then do I go with the fun of something like 3 and 4, or do I go with the subdued seriousness of something like 1 and 5, or should I maybe go mid-way with something like 2 and 6 so that I skirt the edges of both boring and fun without making any kind of statement?

Look, I know I'm overthinking this. I'm going to go lie down now.