What I learned today: If you are feeling kind of nauseous, but it's that kind of nauseous that is also kind of like hunger, don't eat a whole snack bag of peanuts and a beef stick. You will most likely prove that you were indeed nauseous and re-experience that snack food again and again. I promise that you won't like it half as much bile-style.

Something else I learned today: There is this person named Kim who really knows how to brighten a pukey person's day. She wrote me an e-mail telling me of my awesomeness, and naturally, those are my favourite kinds of e-mails. I like anything that speaks to my awesomeness, really, but this particular confidence-builder stands out. Here is the e-mail in its entirety:

My friend Beth at work recently introduced me to the thing of your blog and so now you are my super fun new favorite Canadian. Margaret Atwood can go suck eggs.

You're writing is the most satisfying I have come across in ages. Since Anne Lamott stopped writing her Mothers Who Think column in Salon, I think. Which was a while back. And saying a lot. 'Cuz she's good. Damn good.

To me your writing is equal parts panacea, carnival ride and divining rod, the sum of which is unknown 'cuz that's a lot of mixed fucking metaphors right there but whatev.

When Beth is sad I say, "Go read schmutzie." When Beth is ROTFDOISLCOHOB (rolling on the floor doubled over in spasmodic laughter choking on her own breath), I wait for her to finish...

....and wait...




...and guess (rightly) that when she eventually comes up for air will say, "Omigod...Omigod...did you read schmutzie yet?"

I also love that I can say, "Beth, don't read schmutzie till you get home," because a post will be very moving and truthfilled and so give depth to the site which is glorious but occasionally, just the teensiest bit around the edges, not the most helpful thing at work when the reader is subsequently reduced to a snotty ragdoll prior to a performance review with management.

I'm just saying.

So thank you for the steadfast effort to get to the page nearly daily and making my life better.


Kim who lives in southern Arizona but God knows why so is moving to California with all haste

I'm her favourite thing since Anne Lamott, people. That makes a Schmutzie proud.

In other news, I've been playing around with blogTV. I just recently acquired a webcam, and I've been reticent to use it, because normally I don't show my face anywhere on the internet unless it's of me as a little kid. I've worked my way around that, though, by shooting scintillating footage from my sickbed of my cats licking their empty nutsacks. If you go to blogTV in a non-Firefox browser, log in, and click on "Watch Live", you just might luck out and get a peek at the real, live Onion or Oscar gnawing on computer-related cords. If you stay long enough, they might even wrestle for you or smell my finger. Or, you could go watch Henry Rollins there instead. I bet he's a firecracker in the sack.

In My Language