Elan Morgan is a writer and web designer who works from Elan.Works, a designer and editor at GenderAvenger, and a speaker who has spoken across North America. They believe in and work to grow both personal and professional quality, genuine community, and meaningful content online.

#663: TONS OF LOVING AND CONJOINED TWINS

Schmutzie: I love you tons, you know.

Palinode: Tons of what?

Schmutzie: What do you mean?

Palinode: How many tons of what do you love me?

Schmutzie: I love you tons of, um, let's see, I love you tons of barbecue pork fresh rolls.

Palinode: Yeah, well I love you tons of mined bauxite.

Schmutzie: Isn't that stuff carcinogenic? *

Palinode: Okay, then. I love you tons of children's skulls. **

Schmutzie: Children's skulls?!

Palinode: Fine. Children's skulls filled with bauxite.

Schmutzie: But then aren't we back to the carcinogens then?

Palinode: Okay, then I love you a ton of benzene hexachloride.

Schmutzie: What is benzene hexachloride?

Palinode: It will kill you faster than bauxite will.

Schmutzie and the Palinode pet the cats for a while. Schmutzie contemplates the possible reasoning behind the Palinode's choice of not only children's skulls but benzene hexachloride. She thinks about "The Candyman" song to kick such thoughts out of her head. It works.


Schmutzie: Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a siamese twin?

Palinode: No, but I'm sure sex would be interesting.

Schmutzie: I have never heard of this, but what if you were one of a set of siamese twins, and the other one was really stupid or a severe epileptic or something?

Palinode: That would be terrible. Like, what if you were really smart, and you were delivering a speech to the United Nations, and your conjoined twin started yelling and wouldn't stop?

Schmutzie: Yeah. He has echolalia or something.

Palinode: And then your twin involuntarily poops due to some kind of spasm, but because you share an asshole, everyone thinks it was you.

Schmutzie: Oh, gawd. Right in the middle of your speech!

Palinode: And you have a really difficult time convincing the UN that you didn't do the pooping, that it was your conjoined twin.

Schmutzie: And your twin is too busy parroting. Result-oriented dialogue! Peace and prosperity!

Palinode: The UN would never ask you to deliver a speech again. It would be so sad.

They laugh. Schmutzie even cries a little. Then she wonders why the Palinode even knows about benzene hexachoride.


Schmutzie: I think I'll take you loving me tons of bauxite.

Palinode: Lucky choice. It comes packaged in children's skulls!

Schmutzie: I'd rather just have the bauxite without the children's skulls.

Palinode: Okay, but we're going to have to crush all the skulls to get the bauxite out.

Schmutzie: Oh. Well, maybe we can use them to adorn our mantle or something.

Schmutzie, yet again, regrets pursuing a conversation with the Palinode, but now she has a strong desire to research bauxite. She finds out that bauxite is integral to the making of aluminum, which is a major Canadian industry due to Canada's great supply of running water. The End.

* Upon further research, bauxite is not carcinogenic.

** To be clear, the Palinode likes children, and specifically those that are alive. He thinks they're keen.