My blog is worth $11,290.80.

How much is your blog worth?

Can I opt to be paid this grand amount of money in cheddar cheese bagels and chocolate milk, because that's what I really want right now? Or how about a machine that suctions the snot out of my sinuses, because the pressure is kind of getting to me? Or how about a time machine so that I can just skip right over the coming wave of tapered pants and padded shoulders?

Maybe I have undershot the cost of a time machine.

Okay, for real this time. I would be happy with having someone sent over to do my laundry and unload the dishwasher, or having someone sent over to keep me occupied and away from the television, because I just know that I am going to turn it on at 3:00 pm and watch 0prah*, and that show isn't good for the world, because it pretends to be all informative and concerned and pro-woman and then quite clearly isn't.

One time I watched her show, and she acted all surprised that her gigantoid SUV was a major polluter and more destructive/deadly in accidents than other vehicles, because who would stop to think critically about decisions like that? The way that she made her surprised and who-would-have-known face was unbearable.

Another time I watched her show, and the whole thing was devoted to dressing up frumpy women as cute, zesty people who didn't have weight and/or age issues, except that they were people with weight and/or age issues, or at least they were told that they were by the guest experts, and then a large percentage of the viewing audience promptly began to believe that they had to obscure about ten pounds of their weight and ten years of their real age, because hadn't we all just been told that as long we appear slim and young, we will have power in our own lives and have reason to like ourselves?

Actually, I might like to have that money given to me in cold, hard cash. I could run a research project in which I would pay one hundred women not to watch 0prah and then see how smart and confident they felt in its absence as opposed to how they felt before when they had watched it.

Of course, it does have its good moments. The fear-mongering episodes in which we are told the most catastrophic events could happen to us if we don't know the dangers of this certain type of string are excellent public service announcements. The personal tragedy porn episodes are clearly useful, because I never feel more blessed and superior than when there is confirmation of the distance between my experience and the experience of the woman who lost all her fingers in her garbage disposal during a domestic dispute and had to give up being a concert pianist.

Yeah, those are good episodes.

No, I think I just want want my blog worth in cash. I need to get eyeglasses and have our computer repaired and pay off my outstanding student loans before I try to help free the masses from the tyranny of the 0prah show.

What would you do with your blog worth? Parlay it into a booming Chikfila franchise? Buy your weight in packing peanuts and open a dry pool?

According to Biz Stone, my posts are too long.

Elizabeth Schulte speaks out about the reality of living before abortion was legalized.

Check out the braille Playboy at Banterist. (via she is dancing)

* I have nothing personal against 0prah. This is purely an attack on her television show, which I occasionally watch. Really, I don't have a leg to stand on here.