#547: A COLLECTION OF AUTUMN PICTURES FOR NEIL (through which I manage to express a remarkable level of aggression toward the fine people of California)

Neil asked if "...someone [would] help a Southern Californian who is homesick for Fall and email him a photo of a leaf or tree changing colors." Well Neil, I know that fall can be a beautiful time of year if you are not so unfortunate as to be trapped in a hell of sun, sand, and palm trees, so I have taken pity on you. Here are a few photographs from Canada to carry you through the brutal homogeneity of the californian seasons.

strange fall flower 2

According to jenandtonic, this is likely a seed pod on a clematis. I am going to trust her on this one, because I found this seed pod on a vine in my mother's yard, and this same mother has used the word "clematis" to describe at least one plant in said yard on previous occasions. Also, when I once took a picture of flowering chives that I thought were clover, jenandtonic knew what was what. She's sharp with the horticulture.

Isn't that seed pod a nasty little piece of sexy, though? It looks like it has a case of the gimmies.


There is a little girl, dawdling lazily, crunching through leaves on a frost-crisp lawn just like you can't, Neil, you poor, poor, californian.

fall leaves on the lawn

The above photograph is of crabapple tree leaves scattered across a Saskatchewan lawn in October. I know that it is atypical to take black and white photos of fall scenes when what everyone usually wants to capture is the grandeur of Nature's death rattle as it gives up all that means warmth and sunlight, but this is what you get when I absent-mindedly forget to change my camera settings.

Oh, wait, I am not quite done. Below is a photograph of what you would have seen had you been somewhere where Fall was, letting the grass tickle your ears while you squinted through a thatch of yellowing leaves. If you were where Fall was, you would have been counting the clouds as they drifted through the space in the branches and relishing the smart crackle of old stems between your fingers in brisk air. Of course, if this picture were in colour, the effect of the yellow leaves would be much greater, so you will just have to imagine how depressing it is that you can't be there to see it. Neil, you must conjure up in your mind all the golds and greens and reds that I have denied you and let your tears fall, baby, let it all out, there there, be strong. Be strong in the face of your unrelentingly nice weather.*

under the crabapple tree

Happy Autumn if you've got it!

* I apologize for my being so mean. I have been having problems with misdirected aggression lately. Also, it is going to snow here soon, like this-month soon, and I am a snow-hater. Fuck you.**

** Again, I apologize. I did not mean you personally, Neil. "You" meant all people currently able to stand outside without a coat. I realize that, living where I am, I would do well to accept the inevitability of snow, temperatures that dip well below -25°F, and days that are just over a handful of hours long. I am less of a practical sort, though, and more of a dreamer, so, oh hell, why not, fuck California, too.***

*** I was only trying to be nice when I said that "you" referred to a broad group consisting of people who do not have to wear coats outside because of the relative warmth of their climate. I really meant "you" to refer directly to all the people currently residing in California.****

**** I am going to go abuse some muscle relaxants now. I think this misdirected aggression problem is leaping fences.

Neil, the entire state of California, and Fall: will you accept this lovely lawn ornament as a peace offering?

garden rabbit 2

Excerpt from "The Dildo Diaries"