#360: (Let's call this one) WANTI want a humongous, deep blue saphire ring that drags my finger down with its gravitational pull. I want it to be so large and tacky that people have to forcibly avert their eyes to stop themselves from staring at it when they speak to me. That way, even if all of me can't, at least one part of my body can experience old-school movie starlet glamour.I am the sort of person that lets all her physical stress build up in her body until everything hurts. I have a headache that has even managed to penetrate through to the bridge of my nose and the roof of my mouth. The skin on my calves hurts. My back aches. I am experiencing random and fleeting pains in the back of my left knee, my right pinky finger, some place inside my abdomen near my stomach, and my left armpit. I want the ibuprofen I took to freaking kick in already until I can get my hands on some Friday night beer.I want a better cup of coffee than the utter shite they order in at work.I want world peace, because anything less sucks.I want to stop wishing my time away. When I was thirteen, I wanted to be sixteen. When I was sixteen, I wanted to nineteen. On Tuesday, I wished it was Friday. This morning, I wished it was evening. Just what is so wrong with the being in the only place I actually ever am, which is right now? When I'm eighty-nine and in the hospital with tubes running in and out of me and wishing that I had signed that "do not resuscitate" order, I am going to look back and know exactly how much of an idiot I have been.I want Oskar to decide that 7 am is a far better time to try waking us up than 5 am.I want our apartment to be magically dust-free and scrubbed clean so that I don't have to put myself through these cycles of guilt and shame.Okay, what I really want is to come to accept the kind of person that I am and let my lack of domestic interest be what it is. I am not the sort of person who matches her furniture or unpacks all of her boxes or cleans her sinks before they start changing colour, and it has never killed me.I want the sushi NOW that the Fiery One, Saviabella, and I are scheduled to go eat tomorrow evening.I want to stop the lolligagging and get on this poetry writing thing hardcore. A person can't write three poems they like, never send them out, and then expect to get published, can they?I want sloth to be a virtue. (Instead of typing "virtue" originally, I accidentally typed "vulture". If that is some kind of Freudian slip, I am clueless about its meaning. Why would I want a sloth to be a vulture instead? Somewhere deep down inside do I strongly feel that the world needs more animals to consume carrion? Is this the passionate cause I have been overlooking?)I want to know what I should do to mark my 50,000th unique visitor.I got a new round of disposable contacts a week ago. They're the kind that I put in and wear for thirty days at a time, so I have had them in for a week, and they have been bugging since the moment I put them in. The right one felt funny at first, and by last night my right eye had lost its will to focus. At work this afternoon, I took them out and switched eyes, left for right, because I just couldn't take the headache anymore and was desperate to find a remedy. Suddenly, my right eye could focus perfectly well, but the now my left eye felt funny, so I thought something must be wrong with the contact. About an hour later, I took it out, and it flipped inside out on my finger, or should I say right side out, because when I tried it on that way, it too felt great. So, I have not only been wearing my contact lenses in the wrong eyes but I have been wearing my contact lenses in the wrong eyes with one of them inside out for an entire week. I want to be someone who's smarter. I want to be someone whose corneas aren't scratched.I want another tattoo. What should it be?I want to have really nice, fluffy dreams about food and hanging out and maybe some floating and shapeshifting, because the violence I have been dreaming lately is a little disturbing.I want to stop wanting. I want food, sleep, water/coffee, cigarettes, sunshine, new shoes, a better paperclip, less anxiety. I want more of things, less of things, different things, things that go, things that keep me warm, things that make me forget, things that make me remember, things that live, things that grow. Want want want.
My complainy want list aside, happy Friday! Let's all run out into one of our last beautiful fall afternoons and deliver ourselves to the demon seductress, beer. Or at least I will for an hour before I have to run off to a party for a talented friend of mine who wrote and performed all the songs on her new cd that is being released. I'm hoping that whatever she's got is contagious.