7 Basic Rules of Emotional Eating


Make sure that you have antacid handy. This whole thing is about avoiding discomfort, so don't mess up by getting heartburn.



There must be sugar.

Hershey's Stanley Cup


There must be salt.

eating pizza in the dark


There must a balance between the sugar and the salt, as the brain secretly believes that one cancels out the other.

junk food haul

The brain also secretly believes that this secret belief likely points to an intuitive knowledge, the truth of which will be proved by science, so pass the salty, chocolate-covered pretzels, please.


There must be neither belts nor tight fitting clothing of any kind worn while eating.

mah belly

(Hairy navels are completely acceptable. The hair growth burns belly fat. True story.)


Have someone who will pretend to call 911 and say Help! Help! It's an emergency! My wife's a big fatty!


The restraint you show in not punching that person in the kidneys buys you brownie points, a spot in heaven, good karma, and all the moral superiority you need.


Repeat as necessary.

Know what I love? My sad panda iPhone 5 case.

Sad Panda likes gifts of chocolate chiffon cake and Zesty Cheese Doritos.

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