We Don't Need No Stinking Sidney Crosby Collector Cards

The Palinode and I went to Shoppers Drug Mart two nights ago on our way home from supper so we could pick up a loaf of bread and, apparently, also to have one of those long and meandering conversations in the oral hygiene aisle about what brand of toothpaste we liked and what flavour we should get and did we really need our toothpaste to do five different things, and then we checked each other's teeth for whiteness like we were in one of those tooth whitening ads, only our teeth weren't already emanating their own light. Don't let anyone tell you that marriage doesn't get sexier and sexier at least up to and including the eleventh year, people.

That first sentence is one terrible sentence. I apologize for that. It's staying, though, because I'm too lazy and too tired to strip that mother down and rebuild it. Also, have you read that thing? Would you want to take the time to edit and rewrite a run-on sentence about buying bread and toothpaste? No? I didn't think so.

Strangely, though, it seemed like a good idea to write an entire paragraph about how I was too lazy and disinterested to edit the preceding paragraph.

Anyway, when the child cashier ran our bread over the scanner — seriously, I swear they've dropped the employment age to nine — she asked us if we knew that there was cardboard in our bread bag. I looked, and, lo and behold, there was a cardboard insert in our bag of bread.

"That's weird. The piece of cardboard says Sidney Crosby on it," I said. "Is this thing a trading card? In our bread bag?"

"I don't think any kid's going to beg for ancient grains bread to get a Sidney Crosby collector card," the cashier said. "Remember when they used to put prizes in cereal boxes?"

"That was awesome," I said.

"I used to get video games on CDs," she said. "I miss that."

And then, because I must have been feeling particularly driven to prove how old I am, I said, "When I was a kid, we used to get toys you filled with baking soda and vinegar and threw in water."

She just looked at me, and I panicked. My burgeoning old-lady-ness does a number on me when it jumps up out of the blue like that.

"They got all frothy and propelled themselves with science. We didn't have computers. It was like an educational experiment in your kitchen."

She just looked at me some more.

"They were fun," the Palinode offered.

"No, that sounds really cool. I wish we had that," she said.

That's right. She wished she could put baking soda and vinegar in plastic tubes. The old lady who probably had to walk uphill both ways to school needed reassuring that 1970s baking soda toys stacked up to her magic future world run by robots and lasers.

Anyway, now we have a Sidney Crosby trading card, and it's not fun or cool or run by lasers. It's just a crappy trading card with a five-year-old quote on it. It's like they gave up on cool and decided that 2007 was good enough.

the Sidney Crosby trading that came in my bag of bread

Do Cracker Jacks still exist? And do they still have prizes inside? Because I feel like I need to repair this really bad food prize situation. One of those crappy lenticular stickers might fill the void, because even old ladies need better prizes with their bread loaves than irrelevant collector cards with outdated quotations on them.

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