Seasonal depression coupled with anxiety is the bomb diggety.
I was getting kind of sick of sitting around the house feeling simultaneously antsy and depressed and explosive and like I could fall asleep at any moment, so I took a walk to a little local grocery.
This turn in weather from slushy and cold to warm and dusty is just the sign that shows me my turn is coming.
I think the hardest thing about seasonal depression is its regularity. Spring is going to be hard. I can work at it to make it less hard, but it's still going to be hard. And once the hard part's over and I move into mid-May with a measure of relief, I know that October's still coming. It's an illness you can set your watch by, ticking away with dread or relief depending on the time.
But the point is not that time keeps happening. It is that it's getting better right now. We're on our way.
A complete jerk harrassed me with aggressive yelling on the way to the store. He just bellowed noise. He didn't even bother with words. An electric burn ran up my spine and pooled around my ears, but I threw him the finger and hunched into my phone like I was on an important call. It's better if they think that you're bored by their behaviour.
The walk helped, though. Jerks abound everywhere. You have to let them slide. They're just injured children.
The thing is that I saw the sun. Gravel crunched under my shoes. Where snow crusted over in dirty heaps last week, perennials were now shooting through in flower beds. A bird tipped its wing and brushed my temple as it swooped up to a nearby roof.
That's some magic right there when a wild bird touches you just as the evening sun is glinting off windows and metal poles.
I arrived home with bags of food, and the cats gave it all their customary once-over. It was deemed good. They are the arbiters of good taste around these parts.
The Palinode's response to my gift of groceries was to threaten me with the polenta loaf. What a sweetheart.
Today? It turned out pretty good, and all it took was a walk and a bird and a potential polenta incident.
A good walk can put a body and a brain back together.