It's minus bloody twenty-six degrees, people, and -39°C with the wind chill (-38°F, for you Americans), and the condition is listed as ICE CRYSTALS. Here, I'll put that on a separate line with extra periods to let that sink in.
I'm simply not in the mood to walk through this kind of weather to get to work. I will, because I come from the same ridiculous stock that dropped my DNA on this damnable prairie, but I won't like it in the least. Neither will my face, I think, especially when my nostrils get that frozen, crusted sensation they get just before the cell death sets in.
Weather complaints aside, I had another ridiculous situation a couple of days ago in Shoppers Drug Mart. I was in the aisle where they keep the stomach remedies, because I have not been a super good pooper lately. I walked over to where they keep the diarrhea and constipation stuff, and there was a man about my age standing there, too. I scanned the shelves, looking for a deal on Senna-S, because it's sometimes my very best friend, when I got this distinct feeling that an Awkward Situation was at hand.
As you've likely guessed, I'm not all that awkward about poop and poop-related subjects, which probably stems from my being brought up in a house with a multiply handicapped older brother whose adult-proportioned diapers were a regular part of my family duties. I doubt that the dude standing next to me, though, had the same kind of poop comfort, because he was doing this very subtle side shuffle and was trying to clear his throat quietly without me hearing that he was trying to clear his throat.
It dawned on me that we were in the middle of a Shoppers Drug Mart Stomach Remedies Aisle Standoff. One of us had to cop to diarrhea or constipation first, and he certainly didn't want it to be him.
Again, under normal circumstances, I'm okay with the poop topic, even in public with strangers, but this guy's reticence to just reach and grab the stomach remedy he needed was making me feel really weird about reaching out to grab my bottle of Senna-S. After a minute or two, it got so strange that I found myself doing my own secret throat clearing thing, which, because I am never smooth, resulted in an extra-awkward audible gurgle. As though we were now having some strange, wordless conversation, the man responded by finally actually clearing his throat.
Before the gurgling and the shuffling and throat-clearing down-spiralled into some Monty Python-esque comedic tragedy involving doing the potty dance in Shoppers Drug Mart, I decided that it was time for one of us to act. My bottle of salvation was on the other side of the man, so, in my never-smooth manner, I reached across his face, nudging the tip of his nose ever so indelicately with my elbow, and grabbed a bottle down from the shelf.
Because socking someone in the nose with one's elbow is really the best way to end a Shoppers Drug Mart Stomach Remedies Aisle Standoff.
It took all the self-control I had not to blurt out SMOOTH MOVE, EX-LAX. In all seriousness, that could have been highly inappropriate depending on the nature of his condition.
And now it's that terrible hour in which I must go out into the ICE CRYSTALS and the nearly minus-40-ness of it all. Hooray.
Next time, remind me to tell you why it is that I now have to bring a kazoo to bed with me in order to get a good night's sleep and avoid murderous rages.