Five Lists of Five

Things That I Don't Do Anymore:
  • smoke toothpick-sized, hand-rolled Drum tobacco cigarettes that skinny skater boys always mistook for joints
  • stagger doses of LSD every few hours in order to get really high for a really long time
  • steal my parents car when I didn't even have a driver's license just to drive it around some lame, 1980s-style fire-trap of a cedar condo village
  • sit in a cubicle/behind a cash register/over a disgusting sink/etc. at a job I hate wondering why the hell my life sucks so much
  • eat all the delicious, sweet muffins my gluten-stuffed heart desires

  • The Most Disgusting Things I Ever Ate:
  • the less wriggly ends of live worms recently sliced in half with a garden shovel
  • the head cheese served to me by a lovely pair of Russian immigrants who had no understanding of my vegetarianism
  • bug larva out of a pistachio nut
  • a large flake of old lady leg skin
  • a glass of milk that had this weird, plastic-like hunk which kept floating up to the surface against my lips, but I had to keep drinking it, because my mother told me that not to do so would be rude

  • Favourite Words With Double Vowels In Them Such As AA, OO, or UU:
  • aardwolf
  • continuum
  • cryptozoology
  • googolplex
  • Weltanschauung

  • Things Which Are Clear Indications That Your Boss Is a Freak and You Should Seek New Employment:
  • He grabs your ass at a work-related event while standing next to his girlfriend and tells you that you should make out with your same-sex co-worker in front of him.
  • In a bid to keep you from quitting, he offers you a five-cent-an-hour raise
  • She shows you how easily her false teeth can be removed and delineates her family's psychiatric history during your first one-on-one conversation.
  • He keeps taking all the bank deposits to pay for prostitutes and cocaine rather than your paycheck.
  • He likes to follow you around while delivering long monologues about how he is naturally much cleaner than other people because he was born without sweat glands in his armpits and never has to wear deodorant.

  • People of the Internet Who Never Fail to Make Me Feel Good:
  • Amy Turn Sharp
  • Katie Sokoler
  • Jen Lemen
  • Karen Walrond
  • Kyran Pittman
  • Elan Morganpast, lists11 Comments