My Loins, They Are Girded


I'm feeling very much like a martyr today while I lay about in bed with my cat Onion and bemoan my fate as an earthbound spirit prone to picking up every single goddamned virus that walks through the mall where I work.

Onion is bemoaning the fact that he is über-squeezable and complains when I pepper his belly with kisses.

I think we're both morons.

Despite the fact that my stomach threatens to reject even the thought of breakfast, even though it is 2:39 in the afternoon, I will shore up my reserves and go to work, because what kind of martyr would I be if I didn't?

By the way, are martyrs more likely to "shore up their reserves" or "gird their loins"? I am thinking that they are more the loin-girding types, which would make me a loin-girding type, so I have a question for you: how does one gird one's loins, exactly?

When I was a kid, there was talk in church of this girding of the loins. I was really surprised that they would even talk about loins in my Mennonite church, but they did, so I figured that maybe this girding was the one kind of sexual thing that the church thought was okay, except that it sounded an awful lot like masturbation, because the person in question was always girding his loins alone. If that was girding, it sounded like something I could get into.

But then I noticed that biblical people's loins always seemed to be bound in that diapery fabric get-up, so I thought maybe girding was wrapping your loins up in lots of cloth to protect them in battle. I wondered if they had things like athletic cups back then, because the cloth didn't look like too much protection against a kick to the loins.

There was a chance that wrapping their loins in lots of cloth was actually diapers, because we had boxes of adult diapers in the basement for my special needs older brother, and I knew that some adults did, indeed, wear diapers. That idea kind of grossed me out, because then I would have to believe in a Jesus who wore diapers, and that just seemed weird that people would think some guy who walked the streets in diapers was cool for two thousand years running.

Out of curiosity, I just finally looked up "loins" after all these years:
"Loins" primarily refers to the waist or small of the back overlaying the kidneys, and secondarily to the upper and lower abdomen region about the hips including the private parts.
So, loins don't include the groin. Huh. Who knew? And "gird" apparently meant that one put on a girdle:
The girdle was often made of leather or cloth and was used to hold the tunic to the waist. It was often used to hold money, tools or weapons. When men needed freedom to work, run or fight, they would tuck the hem of the tunic into the girdle to gain greater freedom and movement.
Had I known this when I was a kid, I would not have waffled between thinking that the Bible was either promoting masturbation or that Jesus was some kind of adult baby.

And now, armed with this scintillating knowledge, I must gird up my own loins and ready myself for an evening of shoe-selling, stomach ickiness or not. Later!

Five Star Friday's Edition #97: Woof!

Me at MamaPop: FTBC and the Sexification of Breast Cancer