What's Up Schmutzie's Butt: Joe Q. Public's Opinion of My Hair

See, I cut my own hair. I like to keep my hair on the extreme end of short, and a few years ago I was saving my pennies and spending $45-60 a month on haircuts. Every hair dresser I went to would ask me if I wanted them to "feminize" my haircut, by which they meant "keep it too long for my liking". I would say no, but they simply couldn't bring themselves to give me a man's haircut, and so I ended up hating most of my haircuts.

After I figured out how ridiculous it was to spend that kind of money on haircuts I hated, I multiplied that number by 12, realized that my haircut expenses equaled the annual income of many of our world's citizens, and I invested in a set of $26 clippers a couple of years ago.

Aside from shampoo, conditioner, and pomade, that is the last $26 I spent on my hair, and my wallet's not complaining.

I use the deepest one-inch attachment all over my head and trim up the edges, save for the very front, with the 7/8-inch attachment. It's nearly a brush-cut, but I always feel clean and fresh and damn sexy once I'm done, and it's become a tradition for me to call the


to meet me for a drink after work so that the general public can absorb some of my awesomeness.

Invariably, though, someone from that public says "It looks good, but I like a little more length on it."

What? Seriously? I mean,


. I just cut my hair, I am feeling all fabulous, and you tell me that it will be another month before you approve of my hair?

Just like it took me a couple of years to figure out what to do with my hair, it's taken me another couple of years to figure out the


with regard to my hair, and the verdict is in: the public is full of assholes.

this booger's for you

Joe Q. Public, this booger's for you.

Five Star Friday's Edition #95

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