I do not often go shopping for clothing, because it is usually a more discouraging experience than that summer I spent taking the same level of swimming classes for the third time and still couldn't keep up with the other girls, because I sink like a rock in the water, I am a STONE that SINKS every time I EXHALE, so I spent two months dragging my boulder of a body from one end of the pool to the other while the rest of the girls in the class waited in a group at the pool's edge and snickered. Jerks.
Yesterday, I found myself inspired by storewide sales at the Bay. I wasn't solicited to tell you that; I just have a thing for storewide sales that include discounts off discounts and cheapified brassieres and tables of boy short underwear. The Bay was totally flirting with me, and I was sucking it up like a dry drunk falling into a bottle of old familiar liquor, only I was fondling racks of bras and feeling really weird about it, not because of the fondling but because of this awkward, late teens or early twenties guy who kept skulking around the lingerie section.
At first I thought that he must be waiting for his mother, but he was there for over an hour. He never moved away from the lingerie but kept trolling through the racks with his shoulders hunched over like nobody might notice him if he just stooped forward in the style of a pervert hiding a boner. Most of the women shopping in that section were older and wrinkly-chested and trying on really unflattering bathing suits with ruffly bits and animal prints, so I was kind of surprised he was there. In hindsight, though, maybe he was into that, because he never let me get within fifteen feet of him. He would look over at me and do this really creepy gliding away thing that he could totally make money from it if he got paid to teach people how to do it. He'd call it the "Maidenform Move". It would be the new thing, and pretty soon you'd see people doing that weird gliding thing all over the place.
I hope he feels that that was an afternoon well spent.
While I was in the lingerie section, I managed to dig up the best bra ever to grace this planet. I'm serious. It's a style different from the usual style I wear in a couple of ways, because it has a T back and a front closure, but I was feeling so defeated after ten other bras nearly convinced me that my breasts were completely malformed freak lumps, so I started looking outside my comfort zone. The Maidenform Women's One Fabulous Fit Smooth Fused T-Back Bra will lift, separate, and stay put, while feeling like the most comfortable thing you've ever stretched over your puppies:
Pair that bra in black with some matching boy short underwear, and you wouldn't kick me out of bed for eating crackers. I wish I could show you, but I generally keep my breasteses wrapped for freshness, and my parents-in-law read this website.
After finding a bra that not only fit but made me feel awesome, I decided to keep going with the shopping thing, because aside from a few t-shirts and a couple of pairs of jeans that I bought last summer, I still find myself in clothes from a decade ago that didn't really look all that good back then let alone now. My closet could use some help.
I came across two lovely summer shirts by Vero Moda, which I gladly added to my purchases, because they were $25.99 and $18, and I'm nothing if not cheap when it comes to clothes. They're much girlier than I ever wear, because I am a tomboy who feels like she's in drag half the time, but comfort won me over:
Excuse the streaky mirror. I'm out of paper towels. Also, it's really hard to get a good picture of new clothes when you're as self-conscious as I am, have one arm awkwardly raised to hold the camera, and your ancient mirror has been widening everything that crosses its surface since 1988.
I have been wearing the same sandals for at least the last five years, so I also sprung for a nice pair of gladiator sandals at Aldo. I have been waiting for gladiators to come back into fashion for almost two decades, so I justified buying them with all the money I'd saved at the Bay:
And then, because I was high on all the chemical preservative fumes emanating from all the racks of clothing I'd been swimming in, I took it one step further and invested in the most perfect pair of jeans I have ever owned. I have owned some pretty decent jeans in the past, but these are more perfect than all their pale brothers. These jeans will not leave my body for the next three weeks, I swear. They're American Eagle lightly distressed True Boot jeans in vintage indigo, and they fit like how my favourite boy jeans used to fit before I grew hips:
I would like you to take notice of the fact that I left the red marks on my stomach that come from sitting around with my gut hanging over my jeans. I have avoided the vanity of photoshopping myself. This way we can all feel better knowing that we're not the only people who eat.
Now that I've added a few items to my closet, I can get rid of this:
That terrifying cacophany of red, orange, and mauve was almost impossible to photograph. That's how terrifying it is, and it covers an ENTIRE DRESS. I went out in public covered from neck to knee in this unrelenting material. No one needs to see anyone in that. I'd like to say that I was not responsible for purchasing that article of clothing, but I was not always as awesome as I am today. Thankfully, I am growing more fully into my awesomeness with every go around the sun.