Won't Someone Please Think of the Children?

The following featured entry was originally published by sarah.of.a.lesser.god on the weblog The Pursuit of Harpyness. She "...is a twenty-something New York City native whose childhood ambition was to play professional baseball. But seeing as she has neither sports skills nor a penis, she has settled for employment by a nonprofit while working towards earning a BA in writing. She also somehow found time to get pregnant and will be a first-time mom in late spring 2009."

Any thoroughly decent, conscientious, law-abiding citizen would get their bra straps in a twist over the vile, disgusting, indecent, and thoroughly unladylike action of feeding a baby in public. With a breast. A bare breast! A woman's bare breast! And this fiend performed this disgusting act in the presence of other children! Get the smelling salts, this is just too much for my sensitive system to bear!

I hope the security guard at a Brooklyn library received hazard pay for confronting the mean milking mama who just whipped it out in public and then trotted out some fancy-pants New York State law that says she is allowed to breastfeed anywhere in public or private as a defense. Why was this woman so selfish? Why didn't she think of the children? She contends she was, because she was feeding one of the children, but what of those other, innocent, precious, pure-as-the-driven-snow creatures of God who were subjected to the horrific titillation of a woman's bared mammary?

She claims that children were not at all disturbed by the breastfeeding because, after all, most of them probably engaged in the same activity in the not-so-distant past. But I call bullshit. What human, child or adult, can fail to be aroused against their will by the quivering, soft, sweet, flesh of a woman's breast?

And the security guard was, in fact, helping these children! She was teaching them very early on in life that only bad women show their breasts in public, no matter what the reason. These women must be shamed, pilloried, and subjected to nasty comments on the New York Post website. How else will they learn to fetishize breasts and view them as mysterious objects that must only be bared in public if it is for a Girls Gone Wild video? Thank you, wise security guard, for knowing that these innocent souls needed to learn the life lesson about shaming women over their breasts.

Finally, this is a public safety issue. Do we really want legions of kindergartners rushing this poor woman to try and get a sip of milk to go with their cookies? I think not. Think of the children. No, not your own children. The other children.

And think of the adults. Those poor adults, subject to the cruel whims of arousal whenever breasts are seen, glimpsed, mentioned, or imagined. Why analyze why people are obsessed with breasts when we can just order blanket statements that breasts are indecent? There's no fun in trying to be mature and logical about this! So Mama, put your tits away.

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