Grocery Beard Strikes Again
The following featured entry was originally published by Kurt on his weblog, The Monster Apathy. He likes dinosaurs.
I'm totally not mentioning You-Know-What ^^ in this post, Frank.
So I'm at the grocery store because my house is now devoid of food and if you let a pack of wild dogs in they would enter cautiously, sniff the air, walk in a circle, probably piss on a stack of books* or the Wii or something, and then run off because there's nothing to eat besides people in here and they haven't sunk THAT low yet. And also The Girl is home sick with what the doctors are calling "a fever" but I'm calling it "being a pussy" so I totally have to go and buy her Gatorade and grapes and fish sticks and I'm not sure I've ever seen a prescription for fish sticks but she insists the nurse said to buy her that and a peach smoothie, so what do I know? It's not like I'm Dr. Quinn birthin' a horse or something.
I'm in the store and there are all these kids running around, like with their Moms and stuff, and I'm all "Pfft. Why isn't your kid in school, Lay-deeee?" in my head and then I look in her cart and she's totally buying Hawaiian Punch which means she doesn't want to spring for 100% fruit juice, so these kids are pretty much being beaten right in front of me, and I don't want to be judgmental because then I won't be able to say "I'm not judgmental BUT..." before I judge someone, but I totally want to ask her why her kids aren't being defended as the last great natural resource our country has. And I look at their teeth and one kid is missing the front ones, so either he just got punched or he's four and that's normal, but should I really take my chances? And then I see she has lettuce in her cart so I ease back a bit, because these little bastards are obviously getting their roughage. And then I realize I've been standing there staring into her cart for like a solid minute and then I look up and she's looking right at me, and so I smile and she flinches and then I remember that my depression beard makes me look like a pedophile, so we both pretty much run away.
But I'm still wondering where she gets off letting her kids skip school and then I remember that my kid is skipping school and I totally get into an argument with myself where one me is saying "Yeah. But she's sick!" and the other me is all "Maybe they're sick too." and then the first me is like "Pfft. Did you even SEE those kids? They're totally healthy." and then the second me is all 'Yeah, as long as being ugly isn't a disease." and then I give myself a high-five after shouting out "Up TOP!" and then everyone is looking at me in my depression beard and bathrobe and then the store manager had to get involved and he always starts his little speeches with "You again?"And then I screamed "DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY!!" and "Freedooommmmm!" like in Braveheart©, but he just took away my box of fishsticks and pointed at the door.**
*In the original draft of this I wrote "comic books" but then I remembered that Watchmen isn't doing so hot and maybe comic books aren't as cool as none of the girls who slept with me in High School had led me to believe. I secretly think they are cool, but I wrote "books" because no one thinks reading is uncool. Reading is FUN-damental©.***
**For all the new readers I seem to have: it should be pointed out that while I am a roguishly handsome, genius superhero I am prone to lying pretty much all the time and while the events didn't transpire exactly like this, I DID have a delicious roast beef sandwich for lunch. Okay. Not really.
***This is the second time I've written that today and it just keeps getting funnier to me, so TOO BAD, People-With-Standards!