50 Things That Bug Me

  1. Use of the word "whilst"
  2. People who accentuate the breathy H sound after the W in words like "whilst"
  3. Cats who whine in the hallway after I have locked them out of the office because they were crying at my feet
  4. The common cold
  5. Snags in my beloved grandpa cardigan
  6. Non-prescription eyeglasses as accessories
  7. Some people's insistence on maintaining perfect vacuuming lines in a living room where no living is done
  8. My ongoing lack of bacon
  9. Rude waiters who correct your pronunciation of a wine's name at the table when their pronunciation is wrong
  10. Pineapples on pizza
  11. Puffy coats with tie belts
  12. When people don't take care of their unruly nostril hair
  13. Glitter
  14. When women wear shirts that don't properly cover their brassieres
  15. Episodes of "Malcolm in the Middle" that revolve around the older brother Frances' escapades in military school
  16. The expired pregnancy test I have yet to throw away
  17. Horses
  18. Dentist appointments
  19. Thinking about glands and glandular juices when I drink milk
  20. Back-handed compliments
  21. Religious zeal
  22. Weak handshakes
  23. Scratches on the lenses of my glasses right where I look through them
  24. The present economy
  25. Head cheese
  26. That I've never learned how to yodel
  27. Bigots
  28. The ten crappy beginnings to poems I have filed away in my computer
  29. Those oversized, froufy flowers I've seen pinned to women's tops lately
  30. The ocean
  31. Knots I can't untie
  32. Hummers (the vehicles, not the sex act)
  33. Ironic moustaches
  34. Blackheads proliferating on my face since I was eight years old
  35. When I develop an unfounded fear of my leftovers and end up throwing them out
  36. That the new electric kettle we bought to replace the kettle I destroyed leaks
  37. Standard iPod earbuds
  38. Scented tampons
  39. Cheap, plastic flipflops
  40. Our culture's obsessive exercise of control over women's bodies through the cult of hair removal
  41. Seedless watermelons, because they are suspicious
  42. Mental illness
  43. Writing a piece for publication, then trashing it, then writing it again, then trashing it again
  44. Reality television
  45. Tattoos in languages that the wearers don't speak or have cultural ties to
  46. The song "Memories"
  47. The little stars that are used to hide nipples in public presentations of porn imagery, as though it makes any difference
  48. Ladders
  49. Black mould
  50. Elvis impersonators that can't get the hair right