I Feel Like A Tasmanian Devil Stuck In A Sack With An Ornery Bear And A Cornered Scorpion

After the following picture of a gentleman being happy is a list of complaints I have about things on the internet. I am putting up this picture of the happy gentleman first so that you have the choice to see him, think HAPPY!, and skip my litany of annoyances or you can choose to continue on subject yourself to my poor attitude.

the Palinode

Oh, wait. I forgot that the Palinode doesn't actually look happy in that picture but rather a bit fearful. Ha! In my present mood, this mix-up makes me feel all kinds of pleased.

You see, when I quit smoking 26 days ago, I had no real idea that all this anger would come frothing up out of me. I'm positively bilious!

I feel all finger-pointy, and every time I come upon something I find irritating, I think very self-righteously about how wrong it is that that thing has to be there for me to come up against with all my personal opinions being what they are. This makes me delightful hang out with.

The Palinode should win many medals and probably something really big and shiny while he stands atop a tiered podium, because he still kisses me on the forehead when I tell him how my elbow hurts and how we're out of cheese and macaroni which is the only thing I could possibly want to eat right now and that the guy who invented putting tags on the insides of the necks of shirts was an idiot.

So, I am selfishly dumping some of my internet-directed ire into a list and leaving him out of it for the evening.

You might find things from your own online activities in the list below. It's nothing personal. I really just want to smoke and die young and avoid all the pain it is causing me not to die young I am just feeling a bit frayed.

Seven Things On the Internet That Raise This Jonesing Addict's Ire for No Really Substantial Reason Except That This Jonesing Addict Has Made the Mistake of Trying to Interact With Anybody Outside Her Own Head

  1. People on Twitter who retweet the tweets of other people that go something like "I ate a big hamburger for supper. Yum." Tweeting about your own experience with a big hamburger is questionable in value but passable. Retweeting someone else's mundane gastronomic experiences is just weird.
  2. Text that is some colour other than grey or black like red or purple or cyan. Especially cyan.
  3. When someone sends me a message on Twitter and that someone has an avatar that shows off their greased up, naked butt cheeks. Until a whole bunch of other people tweet directly at me and move that tweet down the page, I am stuck looking at those big, shiny butt cheeks.
  4. Having only partial entries on the main page of a website. It feels like I am cattle being led around by the nose in service of page views. If more page views are what's wanted, have better content, not more hoops to jump through to get to content in which I'm not even sure I'll be interested, because clicking is just so hard.
  5. When someone writes about how someone else on the internet was mean to them, but then they won't mention who it was, because apparently we all already know who it was. Well, I DON'T KNOW WHO IT WAS.
  6. People discussed cupcakes and then didn't FedEx any to my apartment. Jerks.
  7. Automatic music on a website. The owner of the site might love Celine Dion, but I certainly don't, and neither do the three people who just jumped while trying to work at nearby tables.
If those are your butt cheeks I'm not wanting to look at, please change your avatar. Or at least stop telling me when you are going to bed and that I'm one of your favourite people on the internet. I am a seasoned practitioner of monogamy, and I don't have a credit card. Also, you look a bit slippery for my taste. Thank you, though, for telling me I'm blessed. That's very sweet that you think so.