I am not at my best today. I am having one of those days where nothing seems to go right. I ran out of toilet paper. I burned my mouth with hot coffee. I couldn't fall asleep despite how freaking tired I am. It's one of those days when it feels like reality is conspiring against me just to see how far I can pushed toward the homicidal edge.
20 Things I Hate
- I dropped my spoon on the floor and cat hair stuck to it.
- I am itchy in several places all at once, and they keep shifting around, which means that I can never scratch all of my itches to any degree of satisfaction.
- My cat, Onion, will not stop licking my water glass, which would make sense if he were trying to drink my water, but he's not. He just likes to lick smooth, cold things.
- Ibuprofen mostly kills my headache, but it doesn't knock me unconscious.
- I have a huge, boil-like zit growing under my right eyebrow that feels like a fresh bruise whenever I have a change of facial expression.
- I am fantasizing about pulling every last whisker out of Onion's face, because he will not stop staring at me.
- Hayrides are a stupid excuse for a social activity.
- When I pointed a camera at him to capture his vacant, stupid stare, Onion stopped licking the water glass and tried to lick the camera:
- I want greasy ripple chips with cream cheese dip.
- Newscasters go on and on and on about minute details that they can only see on footage from a distant aerial view of a firetruck, and somehow the television station thinks that I want to hear this babble more than I want to watch the episode of "Law & Order" that they interrupted.
- The light switch shocked me so hard that I felt it all the way to my elbow.
- Somehow, the hair on my head is managing to feel irritating.
- If I hate the telephone as much as I think I do, I should just cancel my land line. That way, I could skip the whole process that I go through several times a day of hearing the telephone ring, waiting for it to stop, and cursing out whomever hated me enough to dial our number in the first place.
- Pencil moustaches are unnecessary displays of lameness.
- Thomas Kincade's paintings are way too precious to stomach.
- I lash out at innocent bystanders like Thomas Kincade when I'm raging.
- I have a headache in my face.
- I can't see clearly, because the lenses in my glasses are scratched all to hell.
- My lenses alone cost approximately $250. Damn my blindness.
- Health advice for women over the age of 35 makes me feel far too long in the tooth.
What I have realized during the making of this list is that I am wealthy enough to have spoons, pets, running water, medicine, cameras, a television, a telephone, eyeglasses, and have access to health care, which are not things that most of the world's population can expect, which means it is quite possible that I am a terribly petty and ungrateful complainer. I also have hands with which to scratch itches, while the handless have to make do with their feet and furniture edges and maybe really smart helper animals. That's something.