I Promise To Use My Powers For Good

I did not leave the house today, because I was far too much of a freak for the outside world. I am in the middle of making big, terrifying, life-altering decisions, and if any of my poop was in a group before, it no longer is. My poop is pretty much splattered all over our apartment. When I woke up today, it was like I had thrown myself down the rabbit hole. Holy crap, I thought as I wandered around half asleep. Are these my hands? Has the sugar container always been that small? Are hedgehogs really smart? (I have been dreaming about hedgehogs lately).

So I poured myself a cup of yesterday's coffee and settled in to watch hours of anti-pornography videos on the internet. People have a lot to say about pornography, the proper process for a successful colonic irrigation, and the morality of masturbation.


"Perversion for Profit" from the good folks of Citizens for Decent Literature Inc.

My internet meanderings today made me realize that I am an anti-porn, non-enema using masturbator!

But, it did not make me forget that I had confined myself to a chair for the duration of the day because I was shackled with tremendous anxiety about making big, terrifying, life-altering decisions. Tree men duss.

Ingesting gross amounts of animal fat in the form of dry ribs and fries with gravy didn't really cut it, either, but it did turn me into an anti-porn, non-enema using masturbator who can bloat right out of her rings in one afternoon.

I may be well on my way to becoming a superhero. You just wait. I predict that by about 3:00 a.m. I will have become an anti-porn, non-enema using masturbator who can bloat right out of her rings in one afternoon and hurl an irritating sixteen-pound cat across a bedroom without opening her eyes.