Happy Holidays, Everyone

In preparation for Christmas with family, I'm doing laundry and packing a suitcase and assuaging nervous cats and showering and trying to remember to breathe and absent-mindedly picking my schnozz, because that's what I do when Christmas is upon me. I kind of lose my shit and forget to keep my finger out of my nose.

My "losing my shit", though, doesn't look like shit-losing, because I maintain a calm exterior that knits and drinks coffee and goes mm-hmm at the appropriate moments, but inside I want to down a pint of whiskey and hide in the basement.

It's not anyone's fault, really. Okay, well, sometimes it is, because we all have to admit that some people just bring out our inner madman, but mostly my urges to chew through the inside of my own face during this particular holiday stem from the constant barrage of human interaction. At every turn, there is someone asking a question/sharing a memory/ruminating on how marijuana will make your future children have gender non-specific genitalia — while I am on the couch, in the hallway, at the kitchen sink, and THROUGH THE BATHROOM DOOR, BECAUSE EVEN EVACUATION OF THE BOWELS IS NOT SACRED AT CHRISTMAS &mdash and I am someone whose senses are dialled up to seven on a calm day but mostly ride around a nine. It doesn't take long before the world starts to look like it does on television when someone is succumbing to an intense drug high. Voices sound loud and hysterical, colours pulse and are overbright, and, before I know it, I find myself sitting in a bathroom in the basement smelling the soap.

Don't get me wrong, though. I am going to see family and friends that I have not seen in a long time, and I am looking forward to the first hour with them. There will be genuine hugging and storytelling and cream cheese mashed potatoes that are the best two bricks you'll ever eat, but, after that, there had better be three fingers of the good stuff on ice, because nobody really wants to hurt the ones they love.

From the bottom of my quasi-scroogy heart, cheers to everyone, and have the best possible holiday!