Mascara And Tweezers, But Mostly Mascara

Queen Latifah really sold me on this new mascara.* It was shocking to me that I found myself so drawn in. It separates? It volumizes? Its brush is a new technological wonder, you say? Why, Ms. Latifah, I do believe that my thin, mousy lashes need some of the black, velvety goodness of which you speak.

And that is partially why I found myself in Shoppers Drug Mart last night after work. The other reason was that I needed a new pair of tweezers, because one of my infernal cats stole my favourite pair of twenty years and dropped them down a wormhole. This is highly aggravating, because I am a daily plucker who likes a precise implement, and most tweezers are far inferior to the pair I stole from my mother in 1988.

There are round-, square-, and chisel-tipped varieties with or without some kind of rubber or grooved metal grips. Some are blunted and some are pointier and more precise. They can be long or short. None of them aside from my original pair seem to have the precision or grip that I had until recently with my cat-disappeared pair.

The new pair I picked up are chisel-tipped, blunted, and short, and although I got better at using them with practice last night, they simply do not measure up. Now one of my eyebrows doesn't match the other and I accidentally ripped some skin off my chin.

But I was not only there for tweezers. The Queen Latifah mascara was high on my list. My previous brand had a tendency to smudge and flake off into my eyeballs, so her sulty promises of long-wearability and lack of flakiness had me searching for that magic, orange tube. The Cosmetics Counter Lady approached me when it became obvious that I had lost all focus in the sea of moulded plastic packaging and wildly overpowering perfume samples.

I'm looking for the Queen Latifah mascara, I said.

That just came in today, and there's only one left already. It's waterproof.

Excellent, I said. I have really long lashes that bat against the inside of my eyeglasses, and the only way that I have found to avoid having to peer through constant smudge marks is to wear waterproof mascara.

It's not that great, though, she said. It's not wet and clumpy like I like it.

Wet and clumpy? I looked at her eyes and noticed that she had approximately seven broad-based, black spikes running along each lid. These were her lashes. Wet and clumpy, indeed. She reminded me of something out of "Rocky Horror Picture Show".

Well, uh, I'm more of a separated and quick-drying sort, I said.

If that's what you're looking for, she said with a note of disbelief in her voice. This kind will work, but I have to warn you that you won't get the build-up you want.

That's okay with me.

And it separates each of your lashes. You're not going to get any clumping. She could not fathom a desire for non-clumpy lashes.

That's fine, I confirmed.

Okay, but you also won't be able to drag it along your lower lashes the same way, so they won't look as heavy.

I was really starting to wonder who had put this person in charge of the cosmetics department. I do not think that she had ever heard of using makeup for simple enhancement of features rather than for complete reconstruction. She had various shades of bruise-coloured eyeshadow coursing upward to her brows from a thick line of liquid liner behind her eyelash spikes. It was hard to tell with all the competing blacks between her face and her hair, but I think she had dyed her eyebrows black, as well.

That's okay, too. I don't really wear that much on my lower lashes anyway.

She regarded me skeptically, paused, and said, Well, okay. I hope you like it.

She had very little faith in my choice of product.

I have never encountered this degree of incredulity when trying to find mascara that defines the lashes and does not clump. In fact, I have never encountered any incredulity when it comes to the purchase of what is normally considered better quality mascara.

Am I missing something? Is my thinking all wrong about this mascara issue? Because if wet and clumpy is what I am supposed to be looking for, then I do not know how I will keep the lenses of my glasses from becoming streaky with my natural eyelash oil. Perhaps the Cosmetics Counter Lady could tell me what brand of varnish she uses to secure the extra clumps of mascara to her lashes.

I have spent all day ignoring my urge to go up to people and say Omigod, lookatthis. I am wearing THEE worst mascara EVAR. My lashes are all separated and thick and shit. Where the fuck are the clumps? Where?!



* I have not been solicited to sell this mascara. I just mention it because I think it is hilarious that I was suddenly on fire to own the same mascara that Queen Latifah was hawking. Also, I like it so far.

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