I Am Working On Readjusting Myself To My Cubicle

Ten things you can't do anymore when you find yourself back at work after taking seven weeks of leave to recuperate after a hysterectomy:

  1. You may have become accustomed to picking your nose whenever you damn well pleased when you spent your days cooped up in an apartment with nobody to watch but two delinquent cats, but that's a habit that must be broken once you are back in your cubicle. In mid-pick, when some excess snot may be stuck to the outside of your nostril, a co-worker may or may not show up to ask you how you are recovering.

  2. You can no longer continually stick your finger in your bellybutton a) to try to quel that bizarre post-surgical nerve twinge or b) to make that bizarre post-surgical nerve twinge happen on purpose out of curiosity.

  3. You don't have any tampons or maxipads to loan out to your co-workers anymore.

  4. Black chin whiskers are no longer kept around for a couple of extra days just because it is fun to run your fingers over them when you are thinking.

  5. Clothing is no longer optional, which is kind of a downer now that you are used to sitting around buck naked for an entire week if you feel like it.

  6. Also, you had better strap that bra back on in order to prevent the rest of the office from being harrassed by your nippliness.

  7. Faux-hawks, no matter how fetching, do not comply with the generally accepted standard of office dress. You must now make a habit of washing your hair and stop moulding it into the shapes of tropical fish fins.

  8. Talking to the objects you are manipulating - the toaster, blankets, the computer, the coffee table, your underwear - is an easy habit to fall into if you are used to being alone for long spans of time, but once you find yourself back at work in your cubicle, resist telling the stapler that it wants staples and promising the speakers that you will love them more if they tone down the buzzing. They can't hear you, but the co-worker on the other side of your half-wall can.

  9. At home:
    drawing lipstick circles on your face and calling yourself the Bubble Girl = playful expression.
    At work:
    this same activity = extended psychological leave.
    Please refrain.

  10. Three naps a day are no longer feasible, even if living with two cats has convinced you that this is how things should really be.

Two things you can do when you find yourself back at work after taking seven weeks of leave to recuperate after a hysterectomy:

  1. You can borrow Pamprin from female co-workers just for the mood-enhancing high and, in fact, find that it goes even better with beer, especially now that you have no aggravating menstrual cramps to get in the way of your good time.

  2. You can decide to buy Pamprin despite your menstrual lack, because, hell, that shit's legal and does good work.