I began this ridiculous question-answering when I asked you to throw some of your questions my way, which turned into answers one to ten and answers eleven to twenty. The questions are now closed, but you people asked so many that I am still getting through them all, which is why I now bring you answers twenty-one to thirty.
I just can't stop!
(If I have not linked to certain of the questioners, it is because they either provided no link to a website or have not yet elected to publicly share their Blogger profile, thereby cutting me off from finding their website address.)
- Debbie asks: How can we best express our love and support for you as you are healing?
If you are looking for some exciting way to support me through this time, I don't know that there is one. I have been so touched by all the support I have received from my readers, and I have been able to cultivate a positive outlook through this whole experience because of it. Seriously, and I do mean seriously, all the comments and little notes of support are some of the best gifts I have ever received. I don't know how it happened, but the nicest community of people has stumbled onto this website. The best way to express your love and support is to keep being who you all are.
Oh, and also, find a cancer charity and give to it generously, because cancer sucks.
- You can call me, 'Sir' asks: Have you weighed yourself since "The Removal"? How heavy is a uterus?
I have stayed far away from our scale since the surgery, because I was weighed at the hospital on the day of my surgery, and the scale confirmed the fact that I had eaten myself through enough comfort foods to gain ten pounds in one month. That's two-and-a-half pounds of weight gain every week for four weeks. Since a uterus such as mine, one that never bore children and was basically healthy aside from the encroaching cancer, only weighs between 100 to 200 grams (3.5 to 7.1 ounces), according to my online research, it is just not enough weight loss to lure me back onto the scale.
- Tamara asks: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
I would live in Halifax, Nova Scotia. I have never been there, but I have felt drawn to the place since I was twenty-one and would move there sight unseen.
- Kmkat asks: Please describe for us in excruciating detail your ideal vacation. Location, companion(s), length, activities, mode of dress, preferred edibles, and any other pertinent details.
I may disappoint you with my answer for its lack of detail, but I would be just as happy at a cabin in the woods an hour from home as I would be in a house in the middle of a distant jungle. As long as I am out of the city and do not have to interact with a lot of people, I feel like I am on vacation. Give me a log cabin (with internet access, of course), warmish temperature, lots of trees, moss, a little stream, and wind and birds in the trees being the only sounds. Then, put that anywhere where it isn't winter, and insert the Palinode. We would go for walks, sit by the water, write, and cook good food like pasta, root vegetables, and fresh fish. And, because I could, I would wear boys jeans and t-shirts the entire time. When we came back and people asked us what happened on our vacation, we would answer with Nothing.
- Susan Myrland asks: Have you ever read "Prescription for Nutritional Healing"?
Nope, I have not. It sounds good, though.
- -D asks: What was your wedding like?
I would like to make it clear that I do not promote marriage generally as a course of action anyone should take unless it is for religious reasons, because why the government should care who is bumping what kind of uglies with whom is beyond me. I think that marriage should be removed from the general secular discourse and be a solely religious practice, because outside of religion, I don't understand why any government body should be making any morality-based decisions about the sexual and domestic activities of its constituents.
Now that I have that out of the way, yes, I am married. Six years ago, I was much more willing to go the marriage route to make my family happy and legitimate my relationship in their eyes, but I still insisted on doing it in a way that I could stomach. We had all the wedding-related activities at a lesbian-owned guest ranch. We were married out on the lawn, had dinner in the hall built next to the house, and then had a relaxing time drinking, eating, and walking around the property checking out the menagerie of animals (llamas, peahens, geese, sheep, chickens, horses, dogs, and cats). Because we chose a location in between the two cities from which most of our guests were coming, everyone went home fairly early, making the whole event short and sweet.
It was a clear, warm day in June that was simple and just the right length so that my head didn't start rotating on my neck and I didn't chew off my own tongue due to the stress of having people milling around and around and paying too much attention to me. I am sure that everyone else was grateful for that, as well.
- Savia asks: What are you up to on Friday? Wanna hang out?
What do you think I'm up to? I am sitting on the bed in my living room watching Stacey and Clinton on "What Not To Wear" and redressing my incisions. Of course I want to hang out!
- Working From Home Today asks: I want to know more about your cats. Serious inquiry. I remember when you introduced Onion and have since wondered how the transition went, how Oscar likes him, etc.
My cats are idiots. Dunderheads.
First, we have Oskar, who was abused before we picked him up at the humane society. He is nervous, which means that he roves around constantly, stopping only for five or ten seconds in any one spot like a shark. He is really affectionate, but he maxes out at about thirty seconds of cuddling before he has to go smell something or look around the corner. When he throws up on the floor, he likes to cover it up with my underwear.
Onion is so stupid that he doesn't know how to push a door open with his head after living for more than a year in our apartment. He will stand on the other side, eying you through the crack in the partially open door, and cry, because dear gawd he has been locked out! He is being rejected! Sometimes, if he is lucky, Oskar will push it open, but even that doesn't clue him in.
When we first introduced Onion to the household, Oskar stalked him for two days, but they quickly became accustomed to each other. There was a little bit of a dominance issue, so there was a lot of homosexually flavoured mounting and neck-biting that resulted in chunks of fur flying all over our house like tumbleweeds. We chose to let them fight it out on their own, even when they cried, and now they sometimes sleep together and groom each other and chase each other around the house while ripping the shit out of our furniture as they bounce from room to room. They steal my socks, can undo zippers to steal things from my purse, and like to eat paper towels and toilet paper.
We love them, but it's like we have children. We look forward to buying decent furniture in another fifteen years.
- Mamma asks: So what was your first job? The first one for which you received a paycheck.
My first job, aside from babysitting, was at an A&W. It was awful. My boss liked to follow me around behind the counter telling me how he never had to wear deodorant and that even his feet didn't sweat. It was as though, in order to overcome his myriad other inadequacies, he thought that his lack of functioning sweat glands would buoy up what remaining attractiveness he might have had. It didn't work.
The pay was the absolute minimum they had to pay me by law, I was continually scheduled for shifts I said I could not work, and the assistant manager would sit in the back and smoke cigarettes while accusing me of being lazy.
- Sheryl asks: Why are you and the Palinode so damn smart, and funny? Is there some sort of herbal tincture I can take to enhance my mental capabilities? Could you send me some SPAM on the subject? Sorry, that's 3 questions. You're not a stickler are you?
It is all in the eye of the beholder. We have talked it over and have come to the conclusion that you have an excellent eye.
There are no herbal tinctures for this sort of thing. What does work, though, is finding yourself a beholder with such an excellent eye as yours. Wait for someone to come along and compliment you, and then cultivate your pedestal.
If I had spam on the subject, I would send it to you, but I mostly get spam for penis enlargement and erectile dysfunction. If you had a larger penis, would your mental capabilities be enhanced? In my experience, no.
And, I am obviously not a stickler.