Your Questions Answered, 1 to 10

I have receive quite a lot of questions as per my request, and due to the enthusiastic response, I am going to work through the answers in chunks of ten questions at a time. If your question is missing from this lot, please relax. The answer is in the works. Your knickers must remain unknotted.

If you have a question that you have yet to ask, pose it in the comments section. Thank you.

Preamble schmeamble. On to the questions!

(If I have not linked to certain of the questioners, it is because they either provided no link to a website or have not yet elected to publicly share their Blogger profile, thereby cutting me off from finding their website address.)

  1. The Palinode asks: When will you be able to have sex with your husband again?
    Well, Palinode, partner o' mine, five more weeks must pass before we can engage in the God sanctified act of matrimonial love. It is a truth a nurse broke to me with much sympathy upon her face, which told me that she, too, was a fellow regular knocker of boots, and she spake thusly: "There are many other things you can do."
  2. Teebopop asks: Tell the truth, what are the hospitals like in Canada? What is the health care system like in Canada? And finally, did you have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to have the surgery?
    I have not spent a great deal of time in hospitals all over Canada, which is second only in size to Russia, and in fact, aside from visiting friends in a psychiatric ward in Cosmopolis, I have only spent time at this one hospital in Cityville. So, in my limited experience, this one hospital in Cityville is clean, orderly, difficult to navigate, filled with surprisingly friendly nurses, and, according to my anaesthesiologist, has excellent chinese food in the cafeteria every Tuesday.

    Again, my experience with our health care system has mostly been limited to out-patient bouts with tonsillitis and the like, but I have few complaints. Speed of access depends on geographic location, and I would not have minded if the nearly ten-month route from my initial pap smear to my hysterectomy had been a little faster, but truth be told, I feel that I received excellent care from good doctors.

    And, the whole shebang, aside from my prescriptions, was covered by Canada's health care system. My care was not free, because our taxes here do pay into our universal health care system, but because of this system, I have not been dropped into a ginormous pit of debt. I can recover, go about my life, and not have to decide which kidney to sell to make up the difference.

  3. Blackbird asks: Did you shave your legs before your surgery?
    I did shave my legs before surgery and felt ridiculous doing it. I am not a regular shaver even when I am giving it my best effort, but gynecologists bring out this conditioned urge in me to conform to the infantilizing feminine aesthetic of North American culture.

    Something about having my hairy legs possibly brushing the ears of my gynecologist just seems too intimate.

  4. Tjnz asks: Did you have to have an enema? Or was that false advertising?
    I thought I was going to be subjected to an enema, and I was all geared up for it, and then no one even mentioned it once I arrived at the hospital on the morning of my surgery. I am not sure why, but having a stranger stick a hose up my ass and then flush shit out of my colon just seems unfavourable. I am as much of a fan of keeping my colon up to speed with what goes in, but an enema is not my preferred method of ensuring the efficiency of this process.
  5. Jenifer asks: What's your favorite word to yell at Palinode when he makes you mad? What's your favourite word at all?
    You may feel the urge to call bullshit on this one, but I never yell at the Palinode. I cannot remember one single instance in the fourteen years I have known him when it has ever been called for. Since I have been recuperating in bed after my hysterectomy, I tend you yell HEY, HEY, CAN YOU FILL THE WATER PITCHER, but that's about it. We are very non-yelly around here.

    I am a fan of words. "Stanchion" is pretty cool. "Transom window" can get me steamy on a cool day, but that's more of a phrase. "Mellifluous" has a good ring to it. The fact is, I don't have a favourite word. In the Oxford English Dictionary, there are 171,476 words in current use and 47,156 obsolete words. I have a difficult time making up my mind when it comes to choosing between buying a t-shirt in the brown or the black, so as far as words go, I am just going to throw caution to the wind and love the hell out of a lot of them.

  6. Ada asks: What's the song you know all the words to but would die of embarrassment if caught singing along to it?

    "I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts" is a catchy tune that does not die an easy death once it has wormed its way into your temporal lobe. It is embarrassing to be caught walking down the street singing this ditty out loud, because I get the urge to explain that I am not singing about my boobs. (You can find the lyrics here.)

  7. Pete Dunn asks: Is it possible to be a mommy-blogger even if I have a penis?
    Well, Pete, this is difficult question to answer due to complexity of the issues involved, some of which are: cultural definitions of motherhood, gender identity, and the mommification of females post-childbirth. I am happy to report that, at least in my eyes, you could be a mommy-blogger with or without a penis, depending on how you define yourself along the gender spectrum, or whether you play a mommy online, or if you blog about mommies, or whatever parameters you wish to apply. I am not particularly interested in what's under that skirt or behind that fly or down that elasticized waistband as a defining feature of your stations in life.
  8. Galena Alyson Canada asks: I'd like very much to know what the surgeon(s) has to say after the -er- 'extraction' and how they characterised your prognosis?
    That I do not know yet. I have an appointment with my gynecologist in six weeks, but if any worrisome results come back before then, she will call me in immediately.
  9. Paula asks: Where did the name of your blog come from?
    Back when I started this website in 2003, I wanted the address As you can see, it was taken, so I went with my chosen moniker, Schmutzie, and kept Milkmoney in my title.

    But why Milkmoney? When I was in grade two, I had a blue plastic pencil case with Goofy on the front and a small buttoned pocket that had "Lunch Money" printed on the flap. I had this weird idea that only kids from the United States bought their lunches at school, because we had no cafeteria or vending machines at the school I went to. So, I would pretend I was an American when I walked to school and would imagine myself buying a bottle of milk with the coins I had tucked into pocket of my pencil case. I carried what I thought of as my milk money every day that year and lived in a glamorous fantasy world in which I was occasionally robbed of the means by which I could sustain myself.

    It isn't entirely clear to me why Milkmoney seemed appropriate to me when I began this website, but it did, and it stuck, so there it is.

  10. Koan asks: How do they get those ships in those little bottles? Do they even HAVE those ships in bottles in Canada? And, did you consciously make your template work so well in a mobile browser, or was it automatic, more evidence of your utter l33tness?
    I have always been under the impression that the ships in bottles were pieced together with glue and long tweezers through the neck of the bottle, although this website shows a system of hinges that makes it appear all too easy. Thanks, Koan, for destroying the magic.

    We do have ships in bottles in Canada, only it is difficult to see the ships through the brown Molson Canadian glass. We struggle through.

    I was wondering if my template worked well in a mobile browser, but I know nothing of that kind of technology and was not even sure how to find out. It is true, and I am pathetic. So, that this template works well in your mobile browser is a complete accident, but a happy one. I possess none of this l33tness of which you speak.

Any more questions?

UPDATE: I am not taking any more questions at the moment. Thanks for playing!

Guys And Dolls

#752: Ask And Tell