Elan Morgan is a writer and web designer who works from Elan.Works, a designer and editor at GenderAvenger, and a speaker who has spoken across North America. They believe in and work to grow both personal and professional quality, genuine community, and meaningful content online.

#735: Spam's Wild For Me

Spam asked me today: is yourself chesaning?
Me: I don't know. Is myself?

See, I doubt I am, because Chesaning is a town in Michigan, and I am pretty sure that I don't cover a whole 7.8 square kilometers. At least, if I do, people have been nice enough not to mention it. Also, Chesaning has no above ground water, and I can make water come out of all kinds of places on myself, so there you go.

Spam also likes to screw with my name just to keep me on my toes. Schnapp, schmitz, schoelcher, schnake, schmusic, schmutzleragy, schmuh, schmutzja, schlimazlnik, and shnakewillli are a few of the ones it has thrown at me. Schmutzler is my favourite, though, because it is fun to say "The Schmutzler" in a loud radio type voice and point your index fingers like guns while you wink.

Spam also likes to screw with my mind. It has suggested that I need mega diets, better software, British tobacco, and job opportunities in the import/export industry. It has spent a great deal of time trying to convince me not only of my need for all manner of aphrodisiacs but also that I have a small penis which is entirely insufficient without enlargement by pill or machine and which is also suffering from erectile dysfunction. At least it shows concern for my welfare and warns me against fake pills. I just don't think that Spam recognizes the ladyness of my parts. I might take it up on its offer of a heightened libido, though.

Also, I suspect that Rogert and Montgomery stalking me. And those Brits just can't wait to hand me wads of their cash from lotteries that they were kind enough in which to enter me without my permission. And the African royalty! They are so hard up what with all their money that they can't spend at home.

Lastly, I would like to thank all the interesting people who have tried to court me both romantically and financially: Cobbling E. Barometer, Spoiling A. Freebooter, Grooves H. Rudder, Yodeling F. Emptying, Partitioning J. Squirmy, Rivals M. Haberdashery, Crimea L. Biscay, Crowns U. Bushwhacked, Droppers H. Couping, Concepcion Stubbs, Headgear G. Keyboarder, Overtaking V. Pitchmen, Wrying S. Hotshots, Worsted E. Revving, Unevenness A. Keynote, Wages I. Penetrations, Parabolas H. Distension, Precisest R. Brotherly, Rewords H. Beheaded, Centenary R. Miniaturized, Immobility V. Protesters, Dinghy D. Horrifies, Fossilization U. Tannin, Elephants I. Survey, Geologic P. Constructs, Rawness K. Rookery, Whipple H. Garlic, Jester L. Imbibes, Hoots P. Taints, Corrosion B. Hotheadedly, Evasively D. Porpoising, Kin G. Falteringly, Tardily S. Wisecrack, Poshest P. Gala, Swahili M. Battleship, Appreciate S. Pursuit, Pancreas A. Crowing, Stepparent V. Blackbird, Brear Gris, Perplexing J. Forecaster, Timbered A. Kevorkian, Tuesdays I. Quartering, Upsetting H. Prostate, Baritone M. Arbitrarily, Carp E. Inundates, Airless U. Easter, Lynch S. Cadgers, Impotent V. Anesthetics, Pressuring J. Pheasants, Evincing Q. Shimmy, Orators P. Airlifts, Brontosaurus I. Unforget, Infiltrates G. Recruiters, Rotogravure T. Instep, Flurries C. Rapaciousness, Bolting R. Coronation, and Eclecticism A. Hoodwink. You are all lovely, I am sure, but I am an employed, married person who is more than a little gun shy when it comes to investing in the stock market and dating Russian women long distance, no matter how long their legs are or what state of undress they are in.

"Moonbird" - 1959 Academy Award Winning Cartoon

My Actual Awesomeness Is Only Exceeded By My Cancer-Induced Pseudo-Awesomeness