Elan Morgan is a writer and web designer who works from Elan.Works, a designer and editor at GenderAvenger, and a speaker who has spoken across North America. They believe in and work to grow both personal and professional quality, genuine community, and meaningful content online.

Sing Along With Schmutzie!

Today was Colposcopy Day. I found the whole thing nerve-wracking, and how do I deal with being nerve-wracked? I make up lyrics to the tune of "My Favorite Things" à la "The Sound of Music" while watching my cervix being poked, dyed, and sliced on closed circuit television, of course.

Long aseptic halls and staff in white smocks
An admissions desk and new out-patient docs
Waiting rooms peppered with old magazines
These are some things from my cervical screen

An open-backed gown and blue paper slippers
Nurses in clogs and a gyno so chipper
A speculum shoved where the sun's never been
These are some things from my cervical screen

Stirrups with covers and a high padded table
Vinegar washes and my cervix on cable
A cup of OJ and digestive Peek Freans
These are some things from my cervical screen

When the acid burns, when the stick scrapes, when they dye it brown
I wait for the biopsy and count ceiling tiles and then, due to cramps, bear down

If You Read This, You're A Sucker

Because You Do Care What I Ate For Lunch