Elan Morgan is a writer and web designer who works from Elan.Works, a designer and editor at GenderAvenger, and a speaker who has spoken across North America. They believe in and work to grow both personal and professional quality, genuine community, and meaningful content online.

If The Ham Is Satanic, You Know What To Do With It

The other night, I was approached by a local artist/psych case while I was standing outside the pub having a cigarette.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

Do you want to buy some art off me?

SCHMUTZIE:

Let me see.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

Well, actually, it's a comic, see. [He took a piece of loose leaf out of his pocket and unfolded it for me] I usually do other stuff, but I'm branching out.

SCHMUTZIE:

This is pretty bizarre stuff. Walk me through it.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

[He pointed at the first panel] You see how much the ham costs? It's satanic! Get it? It's satanic ham! [He laughed manically for a few moments]

SCHMUTZIE:

Obviously, since it's .666 cents a pound. And because the ham is satanic he has to buy it, right? [I pointed to the second panel] The satanic ham makes him want it.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

Totally. He can't help himself, so he buys it. Satanic ham is way better than other kinds of ham.

SCHMUTZIE:

Absolutely. What about this last panel? It's a bit unclear.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

Yeah, I know. I forgot to finish all of it, like I forgot the sofa, so it's hard to tell, but look here. [He pointed to the part where the man is attached to the ham] He bought the ham, took it home, and now he's fucking it. He's fucking the satanic ham! Get it?! You know why he's fucking the ham, right?

SCHMUTZIE:

He's fucking it because it's satanic. He has to fuck the ham. He has no choice.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

You get it! You have to fuck satanic ham! He feels kind of bad about it, though.

SCHMUTZIE:

Well, he should. It's satanic. But when the ham's satanic, you have to fuck it, so he'll get over it.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

True, true. [He paused for a moment] I'm with Mental Health, you know.

SCHMUTZIE:

I knew that.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

When you're crazy, it's really hard to find a girlfriend, because there's only, like, one in 150 women there that I want to look at. There's this one girl I really like, but I can't talk to her.

SCHMUTZIE:

Why not?

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

'Cause she's the only one who's good looking, and all the other guys are always around her. You can't get near her.

SCHMUTZIE:

That's too bad. People are going crazy all the time, though, so there's hope that another one will come along.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

That's true. Even the good looking ones go crazy sometimes. [He paused] Hey, I gotta go. There's this chick at the casino that I want to show my comic to. Do you think she'll like it?

SCHMUTZIE:

I'm sure she'll love it.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

Yeah?

SCHMUTZIE:

Oh yeah. It's got a lot going for it.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

Have a good night! [He yelled to be heard from part of the way down the street]

SCHMUTZIE:

Watch out for that satanic ham! [I yelled back]

I'm Trying To Kill Myself