If The Ham Is Satanic, You Know What To Do With It

The other night, I was approached by a local artist/psych case while I was standing outside the pub having a cigarette.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

Do you want to buy some art off me?

SCHMUTZIE:

Let me see.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

Well, actually, it's a comic, see. [He took a piece of loose leaf out of his pocket and unfolded it for me] I usually do other stuff, but I'm branching out.

SCHMUTZIE:

This is pretty bizarre stuff. Walk me through it.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

[He pointed at the first panel] You see how much the ham costs? It's satanic! Get it? It's satanic ham! [He laughed manically for a few moments]

SCHMUTZIE:

Obviously, since it's .666 cents a pound. And because the ham is satanic he has to buy it, right? [I pointed to the second panel] The satanic ham makes him want it.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

Totally. He can't help himself, so he buys it. Satanic ham is way better than other kinds of ham.

SCHMUTZIE:

Absolutely. What about this last panel? It's a bit unclear.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

Yeah, I know. I forgot to finish all of it, like I forgot the sofa, so it's hard to tell, but look here. [He pointed to the part where the man is attached to the ham] He bought the ham, took it home, and now he's fucking it. He's fucking the satanic ham! Get it?! You know why he's fucking the ham, right?

SCHMUTZIE:

He's fucking it because it's satanic. He has to fuck the ham. He has no choice.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

You get it! You have to fuck satanic ham! He feels kind of bad about it, though.

SCHMUTZIE:

Well, he should. It's satanic. But when the ham's satanic, you have to fuck it, so he'll get over it.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

True, true. [He paused for a moment] I'm with Mental Health, you know.

SCHMUTZIE:

I knew that.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

When you're crazy, it's really hard to find a girlfriend, because there's only, like, one in 150 women there that I want to look at. There's this one girl I really like, but I can't talk to her.

SCHMUTZIE:

Why not?

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

'Cause she's the only one who's good looking, and all the other guys are always around her. You can't get near her.

SCHMUTZIE:

That's too bad. People are going crazy all the time, though, so there's hope that another one will come along.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

That's true. Even the good looking ones go crazy sometimes. [He paused] Hey, I gotta go. There's this chick at the casino that I want to show my comic to. Do you think she'll like it?

SCHMUTZIE:

I'm sure she'll love it.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

Yeah?

SCHMUTZIE:

Oh yeah. It's got a lot going for it.

MR. MENTAL HEALTH:

Have a good night! [He yelled to be heard from part of the way down the street]

SCHMUTZIE:

Watch out for that satanic ham! [I yelled back]