Elan Morgan is a writer and web designer who works from Elan.Works, a designer and editor at GenderAvenger, and a speaker who has spoken across North America. They believe in and work to grow both personal and professional quality, genuine community, and meaningful content online.

New Cat Comes Home

When you have a cat, and he is a very bad cat, what is the best solution to remedy the situation? Why, it is to throw a second cat at the first cat, of course.

I had a professor in University about ten years ago who taught my Shakespeare class. She would veer off topic on extended monologues about her childhood in Russia, and she once told us the story about her method for finding lost jacks. If she could not find one from her set, she would throw another jack across the room, and more often than not, when she went to retrieve her second jack she would find the first sitting nearby.

My professor claimed that some solutions, while they may not be logically reasonable, seem intuitively practical.

Enter this brilliant idea to throw a second cat with an indeterminate personality at the first cat with a decidedly needy and stupid personality in an effort to balance out the mammaliam relationships in our household.

We embarked on our journey to get the new kitten on Sunday afternoon. I thought it would a good idea to fortify ourselves with burgers at a local burger joint, Burger Baron, that I had never been to.

The Fiery One read a newspaper, which had some of the most concise and to-the-point journalism that I've had the pleasure to come across.

Palinode reads a newspaper

The hamburgers were delicious, as you can see from the Fiery One's finger-licking in the background, and my fountain drink was just as watery as I like it.

Palinode at the Burger Baron

My only problem was the Burger Baron Wasp. It was a feisty thing and insisted on visiting our table. He particularly liked the chip bag pictured below. We offered him onions smothered in ketchup, and that seemed to appease his aggression until we were able to grab all our things and run for the exit.

a wasp at the Burger Baron

I was glad to leave, though, because our new kitten was waiting in kitty jail with a stinky litterbox, a neighbour cat that sneezed wetly, and leering humans poking him in his vulnerable bottom.

the new cat at the pound

After filling out all the adoption paperwork and convincing the jailers that we were indeed nice people, they let us stick him in the cat carrier and take him home to our Oskar.

We put the carrier down in the middle of the living room and let Oskar discover the new kitten on his own. As soon as Oskar saw that there was a kitten in his carrier, he began the slowest creep around the living room that has ever been creeped by a housecat. It was very Mork-esque à la the slow motion time warps from "Mork & Mindy". After about an hour of this, he finally screwed up enough courage to get within three feet of the carrier. The new cat, who is one smart kitten, was perfectly happy to stay in the carrier and out of Oskar's reach.

Oskar checking out the new cat

When we finally let the new kitty out of the carrier, he made a calculated move and took immediately to higher ground. This gave him time to find out just how bad Oskar can be at coming up with an effective attack plan and then managing to carry it through. In truth, Oskar is not nearly as brave as he thought he was when my ankles were his favourite moving target, and for the first several hours, he only managed to swipe the new cat's butt a few times because he was far too afraid to come into close contact with the little guy.

And here is the new kitten sitting on our windowsill and likely wondering if it's true that he has to live with that dweeb who keeps crying on the floor.

the new cat keeps an eye out

I feel for our new kitten. One day soon it is going to sink in that he actually lives with us in our apartment now and that Oskar is indeed his permanent roomate. That is going to be a dark day for the new cat, especially when Oskar comes for his feet again.

That's right. Oskar's podiaphilia is no longer visited solely upon my feet. The new cat's paws are apparently for Oskar's pleasure, as well, or at least they are for a couple of minutes at a time before the new cat rally's and sticks a claw or two in his face.

I have to admit that seeing tufts of Oskar's fur rolling across the hardwood during his battles with the new cat is deeply satisfying. Take that, freak. Is it wrong to take pleasure in allowing the new kitten to commit acts against Oskar that the law doesn't allow me to commit for reason of humane treatment?