Things To Do When You're Sick At Home On A Work Day

  1. Spend far too much time creating a new template for your MySpace profile, because you have just enough energy to type, but not enough to go do something else that actually matters. (My MySpace profile did turn out pretty darn nice, though, if I do say so myself).

  2. Drink too much coffee in an effort to combat your congestion, and then cry because all you want to do is sleep but you are compelled to type, read, fidget, eat potato chips, and even wait for the suckingness that is Oprah until the caffiene high wears off. Oh, and you are still congested.

  3. Eat more potato chips. So what if you have been living off them for two days? You have realized that life is short and that if this virus kills you, you don't want to have missed out on so many Lay's Wavy Originals.

  4. Leave greasy fingerprints on the Fiery One's laptop.

  5. Paint your toes.

painted toes

  1. Discover that you are far too dizzy and have to lie down immediately. Do your best not to get blue and bronze acrylic paint on the sofa.

  2. Now that the caffiene high has worn off and you could go to sleep, you try to fight it with everything you have in you. For some reason, you do not want to be found passed out on the couch under a potato chip bag sporting an Astro Boy hairdo and feet covered in acrylic paints. It seems undignified.

  3. Watch Oprah, only do it in this strangley passive-aggressive fashion in which you turn up the volume on the television high enough so that you can hear it from another room. Somehow listening to it without watching it makes you feel as though you are less of a participant.

  4. Oh, the synchronicity! A guest on Oprah is discussing sexual foot fetishes!

  5. You decide to get over yourself. There are worse things than Oprah, like Cosmo magazine and scented toilet paper, although you are not entirely sure.

painted toes and Oprah

  1. Give up. Decide that your Astro Boy hair is hot, that being found with painted toes will make the Fiery One fall even more in love with what you like to think of as your quirkiness, and that one multi-grain bagel will balance out the nutritional deficit incurred with your potato chip consumption.

  2. Make googly faces at yourself in the toaster. Your fever has you thinking that this is hilarious fun.

  3. Stifle your giggles in the sleeve of your housecoat, because the cat attacks you when you laugh too much. Your effort is wasted, because Oskar has just swung himself around the back of your calves in an attempt to lay them to waste. He manages to raise a couple of good welts.

  4. With the caffiene out of your system and your pride propped up with baseless justifications, take some cold medication and pass out on the sofa.

  5. Hope that the bronze paint doesn't flake too badly, because it will be a bitch to get out of the turquoise couch material later.

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#515: How I Spent My Sick Day (With Photographs to Document the Occasion)