Feldspar And Pointy Sticks Call For Beer, Beer, Beer

Yesterday, I was in this sort of place, but not today.

Today was very difficult and lumpy.

Actually, it was more bumpy, um, rocky. Yes. Jagged, actually. Lots of sharp, jagged rocks.

I couldn't seem to get my footing from the get-go this morning, and so I rolled out of bed and just kept rolling. And then there were the rocks.

So, the rocks were not feeling so good, being so much like feldspar, what with all their jaggedness and sharpness and scrapiness. The experience was not so kind to my shoulders and my hips, and the knocks to the head were highly unpleasant.

And then, the people with the sticks showed up. They were nice and used slightly blunted pointy sticks, but sticks nonetheless.

They poked me with them in a very unticklish manner.

Dastardly stick-bearers.

I kept my chin very firmly held. You know, to avoid the embarrassment of its quivering or dimpling. Holding my chin firmly without dimpling is a difficult task to follow through on, but I managed.

For the moments during which I was not managing so well, my coffee cup did a decent job of concealing any momentary chin-dimpling that occurred.

If you are in a situation in which you want to appear stoic, it is also useful to remember and internally narrate descriptions of your favourite childhood sweater.

There I was, lying amongst the pointy rocks and no longer even rolling, because the Pointy Stick People were busy poking me, while I thought about a red sweater with a pointy hood.

I assume that there was an allotted amount of time for this activity, because after approximately half an hour of their poking and my Oscar-winning performance as a Stoic Ex-Roller Amongst Jagged Rocks, the Pointy Stick People looked up at a clock and left.

At this point, I decided that I could no longer function if I had to keep rolling, and so I got up on my own two feet so that I could refill my coffee.

And then me and my own two feet went into the bathroom and cried by the toilet paper roll.

If you are in a situation in which you are crying next to a roll of toilet paper and you just refilled your coffee, remember to put your coffee cup somewhere that is not under your chin, because saltwater coffee is not as appealing as saltwater toffee.

Also, if you are in a situation in which you are still in bed and you already know that you cannot get your footing, stay there. In bed. DO NOT ROLL AROUND WITH THIS IDEA THAT YOUR DAY WILL GET BETTER.

Those cup-half-full people have no idea what they're talking about. If I had listened to the cup-half-empties, I would still be in bed reading "The Walrus".

The Fiery One, having heard of my plight, has graciously offered to buy me a beer after work. He thinks he wants to know the particulars. I do hope that saltwater beer has its merits.

"The Man Rock" by Russell Edson

Russell Edson: The Unofficial Website