Elan Morgan is a writer and web designer who works from Elan.Works, a designer and editor at GenderAvenger, and a speaker who has spoken across North America. They believe in and work to grow both personal and professional quality, genuine community, and meaningful content online.

One Hundred Things In A List In No Apparent Order Revisited

My first list of one hundred things was written over a year ago. Read it, if you are so moved. The following list comes out of all those moments in which I find myself unable to focus and yet am still desiring a sense of accomplishment. An incredibly self-reflexive list consisting of one hundred points does not rate highly on a scale of accomplishments, but it is something at least.

  1. Listen to Woxy Vintage while you read this list.
  2. I have always wondered what would happen if I ate that little pouch that comes in new shoes that says Do Not Eat on it. Is it a death-inducing poison or just a vomit-inducing one? Would it be salty?
  3. I have always wanted a nanny goat for a pet. Her name would be Erwin.
  4. I used to go through all of my things at least once a year and throw out everything I could not absolutely justify keeping. Now I have the urge to purge at least once every four months, but I can't seem to commit. As a result, I am surrounded by clutter. Where did the old me with the swift and deciding judgment go? I think I need an intervention.
  5. The Fiery One has a pencil lead lodged in his forehead. It creates a bluish-grey spot on his skin.
  6. I have suddenly acquired what appear to be permanent wrinkles around my eyes. It is disconcerting not because I fear my fading youth or beauty, but because it is one of the first things to happen to me physically as an adult that can't be fixed with a good sleep or more water or better food. It's like when I got my period at thirteen. It was a literal marker telling me that some things were never going to be the same.
  7. I am the middle child.
  8. I just popped out for forty-five minutes to take pictures of Cityville. There was a very sultry looking mannequin in a shop window wearing little else but garters and a fishnet teddy, and there was also a large metal sculpture with holes that let the light through.
  9. I am a Capricorn and a Water Rat.
  10. I spent eight days mostly naked and fasting in a hippy colony one summer. On the fifth day my poo came out white.
  11. I am not so big on indoor flowers. Cut flowers are definitely not my thing, but even the potted kind get to me. Flowers just seem pathetic indoors, like they are being deprived of something essential and have no way to escape. It's no surprise that the movie "Little Shop of Horrors" annoyed me terrifically.
  12. The stronger a flower smells, the closer it is to death.
  13. It doesn't make much sense, following points two and three, that I sell bouquets of flowers every year for a charity and have two potted african violets and one marigold plant on my desk.
  14. When I was a kid, I always failed the diving portion of my swimming lessons. I was terribly blind without my glasses and couldn't see the water from the diving board, so no matter how low the board, it always felt like I was a long way up.
  15. My favourite part of the movie "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" is when Cameron is overwhelmed by the painting "Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte" by George Seurat. When I was a teenager, my heart nearly leapt through my chest wall shouting That's me! That's me!
  16. One summer I got a job picking Saskatoon berries, and I was laid off the next day. We were paid by weight, and my sparkling berry-picking skills earned me a whole $6.96 for six hours of work.
  17. Image hosted by Photobucket.com
  18. My ancestors deserve deep thanks for leaving Russia when they did.
  19. Mennonites loading themselves into train
  20. cars to escape their hard lives in Russia.
  21. Bright red fire trucks seem symbolic somehow, but I don't know of what.
  22. If I were single and older and on just the other side of crazy, I would totally be a cat lady. You would see me on the evening news screaming on my front lawn while people in bio-suits brought out my kitties in wire cages.
  23. I collapsed and hit my head on a paper towel dispenser in the veterinarian's office when we were discussing putting my cat, Ramòn, to sleep.
  24. The Fiery One and I have lived in the same tiny one-bedroom apartment for the whole four years since we got married, and it hasn't led to any major incidents yet.
  25. I occasionally bring a box or two home from work, which the Fiery One then packs things into. We have not given notice on our apartment yet. This is the slowest move I have ever made.
  26. I hate packing up all my stuff and moving, but I love unpacking in a new place and putting everything away.
  27. Whatever is sprayed on oranges and grapefruit in shipping makes my lips and tongue go numb. I have to peel the fruit and then wash my hands before eating it.
  28. I have never spray-painted graffiti anywhere, but I have always wanted to.
  29. On average, I think I drink a carbonated beverage about once a month. Right now, I feel like I'd kill for one.
  30. As soon as I typed that last point, I vaguely recalled a pizza delivery guy handing us six cans of Coke. I ran to the refrigerator and found five cans hiding out at the back on the bottom shelf. Providence. I'm having two.
  31. I am drawn to kitchen gadgetry but have never been one to spend much time in the kitchen.
  32. I used to own a really cool toaster that slowly raised the toast when it was done. It was called the Space Toaster. Strangely, I still miss that appliance, even though I developed an unnatural fear of it at the time and threw it out.
  33. Last night I dreamt about the Outer Hebrides, even though I swear I have never given them a thought in my entire life. It was cold and windy there, and I liked it. I hate the cold and wind in waking life.
  34. In my dreams, I cannot smell, sound is either muffled or inaudible, and I never eat, drink, or smoke.
  35. One psychiatrist thought shock therapy was my only real option and also refused to treat me unless I took the drugs he wanted me to take. I never went back to see him.
  36. Presently, the Fiery One and I have two finches, Elliott and The Female. Elliott badly wants to nest and coos to the female to come join him in his tiny, yellow, plastic cup.
  37. I just opened a yogurt cup, and the damnable thing exploded many tiny spatters of strawberry yogurt all over my left boob. I am the coolest at every turn.
  38. The photographs I most want to take are those of strangers, but I live in a place where people stare or ask you questions just because you have a camera hanging at your side. I want to be both inconspicuous and inoffensive, but I don't know if that's possible here.
  39. The first time I looked through a book about art deco, I got incredibly hot and bothered. One of my roommates arrived home suddenly, and I shoved the book away as though I were disowning pornography and pretended to be reading something else.
  40. I dislike the smell of wet cement after it rains.
  41. That is also why I am not too fond of swimming pools.
  42. A blue whale's bellybutton is about eight inches wide.
  43. When I was very young, I loved wooden clothespins. I liked the rough grain of the wood running lengthwise and the sturdiness of the metal spring that held it together. I would press them open and let go so I could hear the soft clawk of the two wood ends snapping together.
  44. I need more coffee. I always need more coffee.
  45. When I was a kid, I dearly wanted to try Pepto Bismol, but not knowing what it was for, I did not know which symptoms to fake to gain me some of that tempting and sweet elixir. I still don't know its secrets.
  46. I had a terrible and sickening fear of tulips that began when I was five. I am mostly over it now.
  47. I am horrible at recognizing when I am angry. It usually takes my hearing the blood pounding in my own ears to clue me in. Once when that happened my first conclusion was that it was all the bacon I had eaten.
  48. You do not dip things in chocolate, you enrobe them. The machine that dips things in chocolate in factories is called an enrober.
  49. I write poetry constantly in my head and rarely on paper. If I had half the confidence I wish I had, this bitch would be published already.
  50. Schmutzie Schmutzie bo Butzie banana fanna fo Futzie me my mo Mutzie Schmutzie.
  51. Pink is not the new black. It was never the new black. That's just plain ridiculous.
  52. I love office supplies and have since I was a small child. Boxes of pens, pads of paper, bundles of thick engineering pencil leads, high end markers, post-it notes, organizers, tape holders, date stamps, staplers, filing cabinets, hole punches, etcetera. Binders and folders and duotangs, oh my! It's heaven. The smells and the textures and the endless organizational possibilities entrance me. It's almost sexual.
  53. On my coffee breaks at one job in a mall, I used to go to the stationery store next door to drool over all the different kinds of notebooks there. During my last visit, a saleslady started trailing me and eventually gently implied that if I wasn't going to buy a notebook I should stop pawing all of them. I never went back.
  54. I once tied a double knot in a cherry stem with my tongue.
  55. I'm not afraid of heights. I love the feeling of being up high and looking out over an unguarded edge.
  56. No matter how old I get, I never cease to be surprised at the immaturity some adults exhibit. When I was a teenager and inching my way toward adulthood, I found childish behaviour in grown-ups embarrassing. Now, it's just kind of sad.UPDATE: A certain individual has taken offense to this point. It is not about any particular individual but about several incidents, most specifically about one that happened ten years ago. If you find anything particularly offensive in this blog, please send an e-mail rather than leave tacky public comments, thank you.
  57. Making this list does not make me immature.
  58. I've taken up bellydancing once a week. I never ever thought once in a zillion trillion lifetimes that I would take up bellydancing. I also never thought that I would like it as much as I do.
  59. Knowing myself used to be one of my major goals. Now, knowing that I will never know myself is a great comfort to me. It means that I can always surprise myself with things like bellydancing.
  60. I still smoke. Sometimes this bothers me and sometimes it doesn't. Right now, it doesn't.
  61. I occasionally finding myself taking great and unnecessary interest in things such as injection mould objects and asphalt.
  62. Image hosted by Photobucket.com
  63. Does anyone out there read palms?
  64. I miss sitting quietly out in the woods by myself under a canopy of leaves with the sun dappling my face.
  65. I am terrified of showing anyone my creative writing. I never post it here, and even the Fiery One rarely gets to see it.
  66. This evening, the Fiery One and I are going to meet up with some other writers, and we're supposed to bring our own work. I'm thinking of bringing Atwood's poetry so I won't have to care when they slam it.
  67. I bring a moleskine notebook with me everywhere, although I'm not nearly as obsessed as this person.
  68. The first full story I ever wrote was written when I was seven. It was about a girl who ate strange fruit that knocked her unconscious and then sent her back and forth in time. At one point, she met her future self, an elderly wizened witch, who magicked her back to her own present.
  69. I have never stopped liking the word fuck.
  70. Electrocution seems to come easily to me. This makes me fear lightning.
  71. Don't comment on my choice of food as though it passes for brief conversation. Having to hear wow, you're going a little heavy on the carbs today or you really like your pizza, don't you or I hope you're planning on eating some vegetables soon will not put you in my good graces. It will put you in line for a good throttling if I am ever pushed over the edge, though. I'm keeping a list.
  72. Some days I think that I did way too much LSD when I was younger, and then other days I am sure that I did not do enough.
  73. I was once going to get a tattoo of the Good Housekeeping stamp of approval on my butt, but I have since decided against it.
  74. I am horrible at buying people presents. I become stricken with anxiety, resort to buying something boring, and then feel this awful guilt/shame/smallness when I have to watch the person open their present. I should just mail people their gifts, although someone like the Fiery One might find it strange to be receiving his Christmas parcels through the post at his office.
  75. I keep killing all my plants by way of extended droughts at home, but at work my plants are in the mint of health. It's all about balance.
  76. I once found a lump of what must have been burnt wood in my front yard when I was six. I believed that it was a fallen star and thought that if I kept it with me forever all my dreams would come true. Later that day it rained, and the rain washed my star away, leaving me feeling certain that my future was destined to be dark and dreary. I was not born a light-hearted child.
  77. If you keep your religion out of our government, I won't make you watch me perform blood sacrifices (kidding, very kidding, mostly).
  78. Occasionally, even though nothing has changed on the surface of my life, I have the feeling that I am leaping off into a great abyss, the unknown. Most often, I relish this sensation. It means I am still dreaming.
  79. I feel like that a lot lately.
  80. I have never owned a credit card, a car, or my own home. This means that I don't own much, but what I do own is actually mine.
  81. I own a vintage Archer bicycle that was built in Nottingham, England. Some foolish individual tried to throw it out, but it was rescued from the dumpster and is one of my prized possessions. The funny thing is, I won't ride it. I refuse to ride it or any other bicycle. After getting into minor accidents with three cars, a truck, and a city bus, I decided that me and bicycles had to part ways.
  82. Bananas make me cough, but I love them all the same.
  83. I am somewhere in the middle of an English degree, and I don't know if I will ever complete it. I cannot decide whether this is something I should pursue or not, because I don't know if it's worth the money and the work I would put into it.
  84. My least favourite colour is lavender.
  85. I prefer short nails, short hair, bare feet, and well-groomed eyebrows.
  86. True crime novels are my secret vice. Except that I don't really hide it. And I talk about them. Okay, I am ashamed of my sick fascination with actual horrors perpetrated by psychopaths and the like, and I would rather blame my reading of them on a lack of control rather than claim my enjoyment.
  87. My birthday is on December 29th.
  88. I had a minor crush on my teacher in grade six because she reminded me of the older sister, Mary, from the television show "Little House on the Prairie".
  89. My favourite band at the moment is The Arcade Fire.
  90. At thirty-two, it is still my natural impulse to buck authority. My parents told me that that part of my personality would fade away when I grew up. Thank gawd they were wrong.
  91. This list has entirely too many I's in it.
  92. Christian McEarStix knows what I mean.
  93. I have no desire to own a house with all the yard work, general maintenance, and taxes it would entail. It's apartments and condos for me, unless I am ever wealthy enough to afford staff to take care of all the house stuff I don't care to involve myself with.
  94. My maternal grandfather likes to eat home canned peaches on cold white rice.
  95. Some of my relatives are fond of corn syrup drizzled over cottage cheese.
  96. I have never been a big fan of desserts.
  97. If you have made it this far into my list, leave a note in my comments section telling me what the first thing was you remember wanting to be when you grew up.
  98. My ex-girlfriend is now a guy and apparently pretty cute. I wish I knew how he was doing these days.
  99. I started wearing glasses when I was six years old. I didn't think that I had vision problems at the time, but I complained about not being able to see the blackboard in school anyway, thinking that the doctor would give me glasses simply because I asked. Every year since then I have been a little more blind than the year before. I'm wondering if I should just learn braille now to prepare for the inevitable.
  100. At present, I am wearing glasses that are two prescriptions behind, because a new pair will cost me over $600.
  101. I am terrified that if I do not have a child I will sorely regret it when I get older and cannot rectify the situation.
  102. I am terrified of making life-altering decisions that I will later regret.
  103. Capsula Mundi -- an excellent way to be buried (after death, of course).
  104. Themes that emerged over the course of writing this list: plants, nearsightedness, memory, fear, pets, and desire.

Droning On About a Cloud and Allergies