A Side Effect, Job Search, And Depression
I completely bottomed out emotionally last night. Immediately following my dentist appointment, I felt kind of numb (emotionally, not physically). I was so devoid of emotion that I stopped myself on the street so I could focus on what was going on inside me after what I knew had been a really stressful situation for me. Nothing. There was no detectable emotion moving around. It was more than a little creepy, but I shrugged it off and continued walking home. When I arrived at home, I sat in front of my computer in front of yesterday's blog entry, feeling nothing and trying to feel something so that I could finish it. I was completely apathetic about the whole thing, so I faked the last paragraph. That's right folks, the last paragraph of yesterday's post is a fake. How horrible. Do you feel lied to, mislead, abused? Get a life.
Shortly after the Fiery One got home, human feeling did start to return to me, but it was a depressive, angsty, angry feeling. I tried going the route of thinking happy thoughts, but my neck was being vicious, and the pain kept overriding mental pictures of kitties and daisies and rainbows. Eventually, I reached the final depths of angry despair and yelled at the rabbit, spoke only under my breath for a while, and then burst into tears. This was bewildering to me. My feelings did not feel like they were entirely mine. I mean, falling into spates of fatalistic thinking is not beyond me, but this was damn near suicidal. The Fiery One even cut a telephone call short in order to run to my emotional rescue when my sniffling in the bedroom reached a crescendo that could be heard across the whole apartment.
I felt much better when I woke up this morning, despite the puffy, red eyes I was sporting, and I decided that I had to get to the bottom of last night's nihilistic freak out. I got on the google horn, of course, and looked up "dental freezing side effects". I found references to some emotional after-effects of dental freezing. Although side effects of local anaesthetics are supposedly rare, depression or excitement are the usual symptoms if you have them. The drugs used for freezing often contain vasoconstrictors that are quickly taken up by the bloodstream and behave like an adrenaline rush, which can cause anxiety, nervousness, and heart palpitations. If I couple that with the stress of my dentophobia, I was probably crashing from an adrenaline-induced anxiety high last night. Throw in a touch of my natural nihilism, and we have me snivelling in a dark bedroom blowing my nose into a roll of toilet paper. If I crash like this again after I have my appointment a week from today, then I know what to blame and can avoid the whole mess of admitting myself into the local hospital's psychiatric ward.
I took another leap today and applied for another position in yet another department. Nothing's gonna hold me back. There was a job opening in my department, but I didn't put in my resume for that one, even though the job was mine for the asking. It just isn't what I want to be doing. I don't know what is, but I'm narrowing it down as I go along.
The Fiery One and I have been e-mailing back and forth this afternoon, and a lot of the content has been in regard to the lump of emotional wreckage that I was last night. Of course, it is not solely due to having been injected with Novocain or some such substance yesterday. I have been avoiding using the word "depressed" to describe myself over the last couple of months, but my feelings of futility have been getting worse. He was the brave one and labelled it for me in one of his e-mail replies. It is strange how for weeks on end I have been wondering if something is seriously wrong with me. I wonder if I should seek help. I wonder if I should shake things up with yoga classes or art. And then I don't do anything at all. Isn't that what depressed people do? Nothing? I think that's the way it goes. I have lived with depression more on than off since I was about two years old, and yet I don't recognize it or try to ignore it when it descends.
What's funny about the whole thing is that as long as no one acknowledges it, I will let myself live in denial and I will try to ignore it, but as soon as someone or something brings it to my attention, then it is somehow made real for me. After acknowledging it, I act on it. I eat better, I make sure I get my sleep, I may take medication, I floss. (Okay, okay, you got me. I floss anyway). Suddenly I'm not alone and things can be done about it. Now that the Fiery One has brought me out of the closet, we'll see how I do.
I love The Phobia List. It has taught me what the name is for my dread of the dawn - eosophobia!
Nookncranny’s design is wonderful. Playful simplicity does it for me every time.
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Human Rights Watch claims that the Sudanese government is continuing its campaign of ethnic cleansing in the western region of Darfur.