My Blood Blister And Formica

I have recently been following the Itinerant Monk. Neat.

Today was really scarey for me. I woke up this morning all groggy and stinky from last night’s fun (I know, last night was a Monday night, and what was I doing out on the town on a Monday, and soforth. Yesterday was an awful day at work, and I had to do something to make the day less awfully soul-crushing), and so I spent longer than usual brushing my tongue. I had worked at it long enough so that I could no longer fight the inevitable kicking in of the gag reflex, so I spit out the remaining toothpaste and stuck out my tongue in the mirror to see if I had brought it back to its pink and healthful self. What I saw was horrifying. On the left side of my tongue and about one-and-a-half centimetres back was a black spot. Black. I scraped at it with my nail to see if it was something stubborn I had missed with the brush or if it was an ink stain of some kind. It was neither. I closed my mouth. I looked myself in the eye really hard. I thought to myself, be prepared for the worst, Schmutzie. You may have tongue cancer and will have to learn how to make yourself understood without the use of your tongue after it has been -ectomied, or at best, it is a nasty and disgusting growth that will have to be removed with a scalpel, and you will be unable to eat for days. By the time I got to the bus stop, I was physically shaking, uttering aloud the occasional words like “horribly ill”, racing through scenarios in my mind like the 20X fast-forward on my DVD player. I imagined myself in a hospital room with a dull green Formica side table next to my bed. I imagined meeting the sympathetic looks of those who came to visit but being unable to speak because of the wad of cotton bandaging filling the place where most of my tongue used to be. I imagined the months of leave from work I would need in order to deal with this health disaster. I imagined the Fiery One and I trying to raise the money we would need to have our fertilized eggs frozen so that we could still have children after I had become sterile from the cancer treatments. Needless to say, work was long and hard today, because my mind kept wandering back to this tongue condition thing. After work, I went to the medi-clinic for a drop-in visit. My doctor was this terribly pleasant blonde South African woman who couldn’t have been much older than me. That medi-clinic is a strange place. It is in the middle of southern Saskatchewan and yet half of its doctors are clearly blonde South Africans. Anyway, she looked at me oddly when I told her that the reason for my visit was a problem having to do with tongue discolouration. She looked at it with her fancy pin-point light and poked and scraped at it with one of those wooden tongue depressors, and then she declared that it was likely a blood blister. A blood blister on my tongue! When I was kid, I would occasionally get blood blisters on my feet or hands, and I took great joy in popping them with pins and marvelling at the amount of blood that could squirt out. I am a little disappointed that the location of this blood blister means that I will probably not be indulging in that joy. But I don’t have cancer! No tongue cancer! I do not know how I possibly got this blood blister on my tongue, and I do not care. I will be able to talk and taste food and lick things for a long time to come, hopefully. I was so overjoyed at the good news that I dropped in to the convenience store next door and bought tortilla chips and salsa to celebrate. My tongue is deserving of some good lovin’.

Conversations with William S. Burroughs. This blog is what this blog is.

I do have to say that the Fiery One is the coolest. He has been dabbling in radio. Go! Listen to him! Now!

I love stumbling on to fascinating blogs. This one doesn’t have a long history, but it’s a good read. On to pansyboy. (I found it while googling “scabby nipples.” I have my reasons).

Yay! Everyone loves a fun blog. This one’s got style.

I would also like to draw attention to Mandarin Design. It offers good articles and incredibly helpful and easy-to-follow instructions for all sorts of design-related things .

Formica Facts and Links:
* Formica Corporation was founded in 1913 to produce laminate for the commercial market.
* Countertops are, for the most part, made of laminated plastic, commonly known as Formica.
* The cost of replacing a Formica countertop is approximately $25 to $30 US per linear foot.
* The European red ant is also known as the Formica polyctena.
* In order to prevent food-borne infections, only use cutting boards made of non-porous materials such as glass, Formica, or plastic.
* Formica surfaces should be cleaned with a damp cloth and then dried. Never allow excess water to sit in the cracks, because it will eventually swell the underlying wood and warp the surface.
* Laminate flooring is merely a heavier version of the Formica countertop.
* Formica was developed following the process used to create an earlier invention known as Bakelite.

Books, $72.18, And Harvey Pekar

Nostalgia, Bad Poem #3, And Hair